#5: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Being the weekend, I wanted to do something a little more exciting for this game, and so I decided that on weekends, instead of watching episodic christmas adventures, I'd reward myself with a sugary blast of Hollywood flavoured Christmas Awesome, and start slowly devouring the pile of Holiday Movies that are an annual tradition with me.

And where better to begin than The Nightmare Before Christmas? I'm not going to bother recapping the plot, because in the year 2009, certain things are taken for granted, and one of those is the fact that at some stage in your life, you've watched this gem of a film, about a bunch of weirdos that live in Halloween Town and decide a hostile takeover of Christmas Town is in order. And there's singing. There's not really a great deal to make fun of with this movie- the plot is fairly straightforward, and it manages to do all of it without wasting unnecessary time on trivialities like the meaning of Christmas or goodwill amongst all mankind. Nope- Christmas in this universe is fairly straightforward. It involves Santa making presents and distributing them. Thats all there is to it. Which sounds like a nice, simple concept to me. There's one part where Jack Skellington tries to explain the idea of Christmas to the Halloween monsters, but he seems even more clueless than I am, and you can tell that if he had hair he'd be pulling it out by the end of it, because they all seem pretty fixated on the ideas of mutilated feet and infectious diseases. No one said the people of Halloween Town were thinkers, after all.

Also, the Santa in this version? You can totally tell he kicks all sorts of ass. See the way he brutally murders that bug at the end? Then threatens to kick Jacks ass clear off if he ever fucks with Christmas again? You just know he could have escaped at the beginning, he just wanted to see how badly everyone cocked things up without him. Probably so he'd look even MORE heroic when he fixed everything. Santas a man with a plan. And that plan involves looking suave while saving the day. And teaching scrawny skeleton monsters valuable lessons about staying the fuck on their own turf.

And isn't that what Christmas is ALL about??

Merry Christmas!

#4: Futurama- "Xmas Story"

Futurama is pretty much my favourite series of all time. So it comes as NO surprise that it's also responsible for pretty much my favourite Christmas episode of all time as well. Two of them, actually, but we'll play the game chronologically and watch only one today- the first one, funnily enough: Xmas Story.

It's Frys first Christmas since coming to the future, and we learn that it's now referred to as Xmas, which will prove convenient whilst typing. Also, Xmas Trees are Palm Trees, instead of Pine, which personally, I think is a huge improvement which could result in me decorating an obscenely flashy palm tree this year in tribute. I'm not sure yet. (On a related note, I really must get around to decorting the house) So anyway, Fry moans about being lonely, and Leela moans more about being even MORE alone (is it my imagination, or do ALL these Christmas specials seem to revolve around people moaning about something? Maybe THATS the true meaning of Christmas?) so Fry decides Leelas moaning trumps HIS moaning, and he should man the hell up and do something about it. Also, Bender seems keen for free alcohol. And looting old ladies. Which we can ALL get behind, regardless of the time of year. Anyhow, Fry buys Leela a parrot (and to anyone watching at home- please never buy me a parrot.) which promptly takes off, leading to Fry endangering his life trying to get the stupid bird back, which means Leela needs to rescue him.

Far from that wrapping everything up nicely, Santa then shows up to kill everyone. Except Dr Zoidberg. But the Planet Express crew manage to fight him off, and the episode ends with everyone feeling pretty good about themselves and Santa vowing to kill them all next year.

So what did we learn? Ummmmm.

500 stink lizards are better than one parrot?

Old ladies are good for mugging?

Santa is planning to stick coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds?

I think the best lesson we could have possibly picked up from this episode of Futurama is if you want people to pay attention to you at Xmas, you just have to make sure you're complaining louder than everyone else. Also, Santa is a bastard, and if you hear "Ho Ho Ho" at any stage, you're pretty much already dead.

Merry Christmas!!!!

#3: 30 Rock- Ludachristmas

If anyone can reach into my cold, loveless heart and teach me the true meaning of the Christmas Season, it's Liz Leman and the 30 Rock kids, right? Well, this was the reasoning that led me to watch the episode from Season 2- Ludachristmas. So after a little research on Urban Dictionary, I discovered that "Ludachristmas" is a day before christmas where you get crunk and rock out. Bless you, Tina Fey. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Anyway, this episode is about the TGS team planning what seems to be a fantastic Christmas party, until Kenneth locks them all up, denies them any alcohol, and forces them listen to Rev. Garry bitch about jesus. Or something. And Liz's parents are in town for the holidays, but their story was a little less exciting, so I'll stick to the party vibe. My ears pricked up when Kenneth started harping on about the "true meaning of Christmas"- surely I was about to get some dollop of seasonal goodness that would make things clearer?

Yeah, not so much as you might think. He bitched a little about how no one wanted their shitty corporate gifts when some kids somewhere want wood, then Tracy decides the Christmas Tree is evil. As incomprehensible as that sounds, I did manage to gleam two VERY important Christmas messages from it all, which I think are further clues in the Dan Brown-esque mystery I'm on the verge of solving. (And watch- I promise to be more exciting and less pompous than Robert Langdon, too.)

1: In the words of Frank- Who cares about the true meaning of Christmas? It's about getting crap, and eating too much! It's about getting drunk, and hugging your cousin until your mom says "Frank, enough"!

Now that sounds like a Christmas message I could get behind. You know, without the incest. Also, this episode taught me that christians ruin christmas for EVERYONE. But I think we all already knew that. They get so damn smug about the fact they "own" the damn season. You know what, christians? Santa didn't fight for your freedom so that you could piss and moan about some damn manger.
Merry Christmas!

#2: American Dad- The Best Christmas Story Never Told

Todays episode was definitely both infinitely more entertaining AND christmassy than yesterdays episode of Will and Grace. Propably not surprising, considering I still think American Dad is friggin HILARIOUS, and it managed to teach me even more about what it means to celebrate Christmas.

So the episode starts with the towns Christmas Celebrations being cancelled due to them being held on public grounds, so they can't hold a religious ceremony there or something. This pisses off Stan immensely, and he deals with his frustration by smashing presents and destroying the tree. And cancelling christmas. I think. Then Lisa Kudrow shows up as the ex-Tooth Fairy/ current Christmas-Fairy to take Stan back in time and remind him of how much he loved the season as a boy. Which causes him to decide to kill Jane Fonda in the past, because it's all her fault that the Liberal Movement has destroyed everything he loves about America.

Interesting if slightly incomprehensible plot, it did give me a few vauluable lessons:

1: Silent Night, Holy Savings

2: To make someone truly happy at Christmas, you should give them a gun.

3: Maybe you should have just married Chad.

All valuable lessons. So, I guess what American Dad is telling us is, to make the most of things, marry Chad, buy him a pistol, and make sure you get a good price for it. Because THATS what Christmas is all about.

Merry Christmas.

#1: Will & Grace- "Jingle Balls"

Lets kick off our Christmas Adventure with that seasonal staple: Will & Grace. The 11th episode of the Fourth season seems as good a place as any to begin, with an episode called "Jingle Balls". You see what they did there? They used a popular christmas carol, "Jingle BELLS" and changed one letter, so that it says "BALLS". As in testicles. Oh, the hilarity. What WILL they think of next?

This one didn't really have much of a Christmas feel to it- Will was ashamed of his dancer boyfriend or some rubbish, which could have happened at any time of the year beyond a quick "Nutcracker" reference, but the Holiday portion of the episode came when Jack cockblocked Graces attempt to dersign the Barneys Christmas Window. Because he's a dick like that.

Anyway, after nominating himself, and casting Karen as a naughty, leather-clad Mrs Claus in some nightmarish dominatrix creation, thouroughly pissing off Parker Posey, causing her to threaten to fire him, Jack prays to Santa to fix the entire clusterfuck up, which goes about as well as you'd expect it to. It's not until Karen bribes Grace that she decides to bail him out, and does ALL the work herself, and allows Jack not only the credit, but to go on believing that Santa Claus designed the window display. The stupidity on offer in this episode makes my brain hurt, but Karen Walker, in her usual fabulous fashion, tries to explain the meaning of Christmas to Grace thusly:

"It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the Three Wise Men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter."

To be honest, the only Christmas message I gained from this episode was that, in life, there are NO consequences for severely fucking your friends over, so long as there's a rich alcoholic to pay them to forget it and do your work for you!!!

So I consider this adventure a success so far! Merry Christmas!

December Dilemma

It has come to my attention, being the Christmas season and all, that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost to us all. And that's depressing. But instead of sitting around, moaning about things like everyone else, whilst overdosing on the rampant consumerism that plagues the holidays most year whilst further sliding ever-downwards on a spiral of anti-christmas depression, I decided to do something constructive. And that is, rediscover EXACTLY what the TRUE meaning of Christmas is, as explained through that age old medium of the CHRISTMAS TELEVISION SPECIAL.

Yes, one for every day between now and Christmas, I intend to watch as many Christmas themed movies and TV episodes that I can find, because surely, if anything can teach me the true meaning of Xmas, Hollywood can. So feel free to sit back and enjoy: consider it my lovingly crafted Christmas Gift to you all. Because we could ALL do with a reminder of what December 25th is about.

Tis the Season. To be drunk.

Not that I normally need an excuse to drink too much, but it is always nice when December roles around and you have a legitimate reason to consume more alcohol than is generally encouraged whilst surrounded by people simultaneously wishing you an awkward Merry Christmas and trying to coax you into surrendering the karaoke microphone. As far as I'm concerned, it's what Christmas is all about. And, in keeping with the precedents set by previous years, I've already attended the Work Christmas Party and managed to make a complete tit of myself (although people assure me I was "entertaining". Sadly, I have to take their words for it. My memories of the evening clearly bear little to no resemblance to the actual events)

If it taught me anything though, it was that I should steer well clear of public speaking. Ever.

But it's always nice to see workmates in a slightly more relaxed environment- especially leading into Christmas, it's good for everyone to kind of unwind before the world goes completely batshit insane. I was talking to someone about it the other day, and mentioned that it feels like we're preparing ourselves for war, and those of us that have been working there for a couple of years are the grizzled, hardened veterans, looking at all the fresh-faced, excited youngsters that are about to have their faith in humanity shattered by a Retail Christmas (something that honestly needs to be experienced to be believed- no amount of me telling you about it will convince you of what it's really like...) as well all prepare to charge the enemy together or something. One thing the general public should be aware of this year though, is the fact that I've been playing kind of a lot of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 or whatever it's called (you know the one. You've probably just taken a break from playing it yourself) and feel my usual method of "passive resistance" has been replaced by a more effective method of "Shoot first, questions later". I may be the only employee wearing both a Santa Hat AND Guerilla-style camouflage face paint, but I like to feel that duality adds to my charm. The fact that the face paint will most likely be pink is completely irrelevant. It's still threatening.

I think when you equate your place of employment with a demilitarized zone, it's probably time to start looking elsewhere. Lets see if I can be out of there before next christmas...