Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A timely look at Avatar

Ok, so fine. This comes, like, four months AFTER everyone else’s Avatar reviews, but so what. I’m nothing if not topical. My next post will be full of hilarious Sarah Palin references and my fears about Swine Flu. Deal with it.

I went and saw Avatar not long ago, after having it DRILLED into me that it was the greatest cinematic masterpiece since Steamboat Willy, so naturally, my expectations were cautiously high. James Cameron’s “Aliens” is still one of my favourite movies of all times, so we know he can make decent films, right? (You know, ASIDE from Titanic...)

Anyway. Naturally, I sprung the extra few dollars to wear the ridiculous 3D glasses, because I’m a whore for a good fad, and I’m glad I did, because, to be honest, the extra dimension was the films saving grace. Now, I HATE pissing on anybodies parade. Really I do. And I appreciate that people have loved the film. And honestly, I envy the people that did. Because I really wanted to. Nobody pays for a movie hoping for it to be shit- that’s just crazy. But I felt that Avatar was...well...boring. Pretty, but boring. Like an incredibly attractive person with no personality. You enjoy looking at them, but as soon as they start talking, you realise they have very little to say.

The film was basically 2 hours of climbing trees and watching neon lighting, followed by a fight scene at the end. Now, the final fight scene was, admittedly pretty cool, but I think people tend to forget that we had to sit through four hundred minutes worth of bullshit to get there! NOTHING happened, at any point in the movie, that you didn’t see coming at LEAST twenty minutes earlier. It was the theatrical equivalent of porn. Existing for the joy of watching it, but completely devoid of anything resembling substance.

I admit, I wanted to love Avatar. I really did. And I envy those people that did. I just couldn’t get past the fact that storywise, I’d seen it all before, and visually, yeah, it was great, but a film needs more than great visuals to survive. It would be like reading a shitty comic painted by Alex Ross, or playing a fucked up video game with amazing graphics. Half an experience. And I’m not prepared to rave about that.

Toss me the whip!!

Holy frigging cow. How is this not the SINGLE greatest piece of licensed merchandise ever invented?? And more importantly, why don’t I own it yet?? How have I survived without a South American Fertility Goddess piggybank?? Don’t panic- I’ve already remedied this by ordering one online (Fully justified expense, thank you very much. I’m trying to save money. This is a moneybox. WHAT do you save money in? Yeah, that’s right. Money box. Justified, bitches) I do worry slightly that once it arrives, I’m just going to spend all my time reenacting the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but honestly, can you think of a BETTER way to spend my spare time? I didn’t think so.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Did I Miss Christmas?

Holy hell! Look at the time! My half-assed mission to watch four hundred and seventy Christmas specials obviously didn’t agree with me- it derailed my ENTIRE blog! Lesson learnt- Christmas Specials suck. Which is weird, because Christmas MOVIES are so awesome. Never mind, let us never speak of this again. So, what’s happened since we last spoke? Well, there’s been a new year, a new job, and a new Doctor Who, for starters.

Looking at the three of them, the new year seems pretty similar to the old one, except it sounds weird to say “2010”. Sounds like I’m describing somebodies vision. New Years Eve saw it in with a lacklustre fizzle, instead of the kickass bang we were expecting, thanks to a kinda dodgy dance party that failed to reach the dizzying heights it promised, but, you know, now we can spend the year waiting for it to get better! And then facing crushing disappointment when it doesn’t! We all win!

The new job is pretty cool. I no longer sell books for a living! I was really sad about it at first, because I DID love the bookshop, despite everything, but now, I’m excited about working for the bank. Which bank? I’m not sure I’m allowed to say it’s the Commonwealth. In case I bitch about it (which knowing me, I will). I just reached a point where I felt, I was 25 years old, and in desperate need of a proper job. And retail isn’t one. Lacking a University Education (and being too lazy to get one) left me with few options, but then I found this job, and not only does it pay SO much more than Borders, it’s fun! Of course, check back in with me in a few months- that fun factor could be severely diminished.

And the New Doctor? Seems pretty cool. I cried in David Tennants last episode, but I wont hold that against the new guy. And he seems pretty. Not “Tennant-Pretty”, but still, he has a cute about him that I shouldn’t dismiss.

I feel like I’ve got so much to share, but I think this is enough new information for one post- stay tuned and I’ll tell you the rest soon!

I love you all!