Sunday, May 31, 2009

Week 18- Bargain Hunting

Mission Eighteen: Go Garage Sale shopping
Status: Accomplished

Before I begin the latest rundown, I should just mention, I think I've screwed things up somewhere and missed a week, but I'm not sure. I feel as though I'm a task behind. So I may have to throw in a couple of extras, just to get back up to speed. We'll see. Got some great ones coming up though...

Anyway, I was joined in my Garage Sale-ing (which for some reason, makes it sound like I should be setting off to sea in a tin shed) by Paul, who advised me to buy the newspaper on Friday so we could see where all the good Garage Sales were going to be. So, I did. Guess what. The Friday paper DOESN'T give you this information, so my attempt to actually plan something blew up in my face. Lesson? Never plan anything. So, Saturday morning we set off blind on our adventure. Sadly, our attempt to canvass the entirety of the Newcastle Garage Sale scene was hampered by my lack of planning and Pauls lack of navigational ability, but in the end, we managed to make it to two seperate Garage Sales that we found completely by accident. And what did we learn? Mikey hates Garage Sales. Also, people only sell shit. Maybe I'd built the experience up in my head too much, convincing myself I was going to find some sort of awesome treasure, but alas. Wasn't the case. Didn't buy a thing. Had a blast though. Even though I don't like Garage Sales, I do like the idea of just rifling through other peoples possessions. I suppose a career in burglary MAY be on the cards...

Plus One is the Lonliest Number

Want to hear a pathetic story? Oh, who are we kidding. You and I both know you're dying to. It's the main reason you visit my little corner of the internetz, right? Well. There's a girl at work. Let's call her "Lauren". (This seems appropriate on account of Lauren being her name...I suck at giving people pseudonyms ) She's having a birthday bash in July, and it's been a pretty huge deal for a while, and she got around the other day to posting a sheet at work for people to RSVP on. So, being the trendsetter I am, I put my name down first. Mikey (+1).
In big, thick, permanent marker. And then I realised, I don't HAVE a plus one. How embarrasing! Now, before you jump in with the suggestion of "Just take a friend" or whatevs, keep in mind that I KNOW this, and that's not the issue. The issue is that subconsciously, I was pathetic enough to assume I had a Plus One that just doesn't exist! And I wonder what my brain was doing at the time. Is there a desire for one that I didn't know was there? Is there a feeling of incompleteness? I don't know. And I realise this is a bit deeper than a blog post about Kylie Minogue lyrics or a nautical adventure, but I think this place gets more interesting the more honest I am.
So there we have it. Maybe Mikey is just insane? Or maybe the "plus one" is for an additional personality I'm intending to develop, so I can be more diva-like? Who knows- what do YOU think? Am I crazy? Or have I just mentally given myself the challenge of finding a "plus one" in a month?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I HAVE to have this shirt.

This is, like, the most amazing thing ever. I wonder if I can find it in a mans size...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Need advice.

Should I get a tattoo? I was thinking about it today, and I really want one, but I'm not sure if I'm just being impulsive. On my wrist. What am I thinking of getting, you ask? Well, the Bat Symbol seems like an appropriate idea. I've loved Batman for, like, forever, so I don't have to worry about getting over it, and it's nice and simplistic, so it shouldn't hurt too much!
Now, I don't mean your stock standard, common Bat Symbol. Oh no. I like to be a little more out there, so I'd love to go with this.

This, of course, is the symbol worn by Terry McGuiness, aka Batman Beyond (animated series. Check it out. Set in the future. It's awesome.) So, you know, it;s mainstream, but still slightly left of centre. AND, making it a little camp (which, you know, is to be expected...) it has also turned up on THIS character:

Kate Kane. Batwoman. The newly introduced lesbian addition to the Bat-Family. Trust me- I didn't realise that when I picked it. But anyway, what do you think? Hot symbol?

Week 17- Make the World My Stage

Mission Seventeen: Perform Karaoke
Status: Accomplished

Picture it. Gateway hotel. Friday night. Mikey hits the town with his Glitter of Drag Queens (Yes. "Glitter" IS the official term for a gathering of drag queens. Look it up.) and decides the time is perfect for tackling this weeks mission. Well, the timing and his elevated blood alcohol level. Surprisingly, it wasn't the nightmare experience I'd expected it to be though, and after performing The Shoop Shoop Song with the glamorous Ms Ruby Slipperz (video featured below) we then hit the stage several MORE times, treating the adoring public to an array of Chers back catalogue, including but not limited to: Believe, Turn Back Time and Strong Enough

Once again, these weekly missions resulted in me having a FANTASTIC time, and trying something I normally would never do, although I am a bit ashamed that when we finished, the MC of the evening turned to the crowd and said "See! You don't even have to be very good to give it a go!", the BITCH. Why not just punch me in the face next time?

And, for your enjoyment (and I use the term loosely): Video evidence of the event. Now, keep in mind, I personally haven't watched this video, so I apologise in advance for it's potential awfulness, but having said that, sit back, relax, and wait for next weeks thrilling update!

I'm so, so sorry...

Monday, May 25, 2009

Were the World Mine

I'm not entirely sure how this managed to exist without me knowing about it, but I need to see this! "Were the World Mine", it's called, and it's some sort of gay musical about a kid that manages to make people fall in love or something. I'm sketchy on the details, but it looks CAMP AS, even if the plot does sound reminiscent of Zanna, Don't (I'm pretty sure I'm the only person that reads this blog with even the vaguest ideas what that is, sadly... although I DO urge everyone to check it out)
Here's the trailer for "Were The World Mine". What does everyone else think?

(And I realise posting a link instead of embedding the video makes me look like some sort of braindead noob, but for some reason, youtube is acting like a little bitch and I can't get the stupid thing to work. Click the link though. It's awesome.)

Even though I managed to make things work, I decided to leave that little hissyfit up there, so we could remember just how douchey youtube was being.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Shock horror!

Guess who's going to be an uncle again? (Me. The answer is me, in case you had trouble) Mum rang me the other night to inform me Ben (my 18 year old brother) has managed to get his equally eighteen year old girlfriend pregnant. So while this will, technically, be my 9th niece/nephew (there should be a good, gender-neutral term for that. It would make life so much easier...) it IS the first one that I'm related to by blood, so it's a pretty huge deal.
It IS a sign of how judgemental people assume I am that mum felt the need to prewarn me of the fact so that I wouldn't cause a scene in front of the happy couple (not that it was an unjustified fear of hers, but still. They ARE only 18. I was bound to have an opinion...)
You'll be proud to hear I didn't mention any of the NUMEROUS things I'm worried about on their behalf when I saw them. I wanted to, and at first I was going to, because, let's face it, I'm a worrier, and this is a situation that COULD, conceivably, be a logistical nightmare.
But then I stopped and thought it through for a bit. At the end of the day, this ISN'T my melodrama. All I need to do is take the news for the happy event that it is. Ultimately, that's the extent of my input, and I'm ok with that.
Look at me, I think I'm growing as a person! Who would have imagined- all this self-discovery I've been harping on about this year must have paid off. And look- I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE! My baby brother is having a baby. And I'm completely excited about it and happy for them. This is a good thing. And thus the mission to get them to name the baby "Liza" begins! :D

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Drama Llama!

Who wants to hear about my crazy night??? Everyone? Good. Thought so. So, anyway, working away, like always, being a good little worker, when I start getting a bit of a pain in my stomach area. Which gets progressively worse. To the point that it forces me to take my poor GM aside and confess my situation to him (which would be ok if I hadn't lied to you when I said it was in my stomach. It was a bit embarrassing than that. Ok, look, it was a pain in one of my testicles. Look at the awkwardness skyrocket!) where, like a champ, he agrees to let me go and get it seen to.
So off I head to the medical centre, where I'm informed that my wait will be about an hour and a half. Fuck that, I thought, and took off to the Matar Hospital. Where I sat and waited for FOUR HOURS!!!
I was finally taken into a room to see a CLEARLY uninterested doctor who asked me to pee in a cup, felt me up a bit, then told me to take some nurefen and go home. THAT'S IT. You're kidding me! What a crock of shit! I could have gone home and taken nurefen at the start of the night, instead of waiting around for the entirity of the 20 to 1 Supermodel Countdown! (apparantly Elle McPherson was #1. Good for her!) His exact words? "I have no idea whats wrong with you. It will probably just go away." Well, thank god I went to the doctor. That's reassuring.
Oh, and for future reference, if you're ever asked to lie down and remove your trousers by a doctor, the phrase "are you going to buy me a drink first?" WONT get you the laugh you're expecting. A sense of humour is too much to ask for, I guess.
So, that was my night. How was yours??

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Open Letter

Dear Bloggers,

Mikey would LOVE to regale you with the usual shenanigans this evening, but unfortunately, someone spiked his glass. Unbeknownst to him, his EMPTY wine glass was filled with red wine, not once, but SEVERAL times. And thus, he is too drunk to inform you of anything, and apologises immensely. For what it's worth, instead of treating you with stories, he is enjoying the Legally Blonde musical, so at least he isn't wasting HIS time.



Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Criminals BEWARE

Today, an answer exploded in my brain. An answer to a question that I didn't even realise I was ASKING. But there you go. Not only was I asking it, I was subconsciously formulating the perfect solution.

Question: What would be my ideal career?


Bear with me here, it's not as crazy as it sounds. Ok, it IS as crazy as it sounds, but I think therein lies the beauty of the whole scheme! No one will suspect me of privately investigating them! It's brilliant. AND I've seen every episode of Veronica Mars multiple times, so I've seen how to do all the hard stuff!

Now I just have to figure out how one falls into a life of investigationism... Can't be THAT hard, surely...

Amp it up- Reader Participation Required

One thing I've noticed with the No Week Will Be Wasted tasks that I've been performing this year is that they tend to be a lot more fun, both for me performing them and presumably for you reading about them, when they involve me actually doing something. Case in point- nautical adventure, and last weeks fun, which I'm yet to write up.
Leaving the house and doing stupid things is far more exciting than, say, Hosting a Dinner Party, or Colouring My Hair, both scheduled tasks for the next few weeks.
SO. In the spirit of making this whole thing as exciting as possible for everyone, I'm rapidly redesigning some of the tasks to make them more adventurey, just to keep everyone interested.
New additions involve "going underground", "scaring myself stupid" and "spending a night behind bars".
But, dear reader, this is where you come in. I want suggestions. No matter how stupid or outrageous, what do YOU think I should do? What task do you want to see me attempt to perform, or what adventure do you think I should embark on? Leave your suggestions in the comments section, and we'll see how we go, although I preface this by reiterating, I WONT bungee jump, nor will I launch myself out of a plane. Anything else, suggest away!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Week 16- In The Navy

Mission Sixteen: Have a Nautical Adventure
Status: Accomplished

This weeks task was, without a doubt, the task I've been looking forward to the most since this whole ordeal began, simply because it was so vague that the whole thing was left completely open ended, and the scale of it was amazing. And I heard some fantastic suggestions as to how to accomplish said goal. Fuck a sailor. Break into a lighthouse. Mount the cannon at Fort Scratchley just like Cher on the USS Missouri in the Turn Back Time film clip...

In the end though, getting pissed and taking a bunch of queens on the Stockton Ferry was the winner, and so, that's exactly what we did. Ben, Wayne, Scott and I took to the seas! (Scott and Wayne appearing for the first time in NWWBW)

It was, quite possibly, the gayest thing to happen on water since The Village People sang In The Navy. And I'm not one to brag, but, I think I'm technically half-captain of the ferry now. After all, they did let me drive it. If by let, we mean didn't stop me. And by drive we mean played with the wheel a little bit. Whatever. That's Captain Mikey to you, bitches!

Arrr! Raise the main sails! Load the cannons! Fire the torpedos! Full speed ahead!!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Don't ask me.

You know what question I hate more than any other on the planet? Actually, I probably hate "Have you put on weight" slightly more, but that's a blog for another day. No, today the question troubling me is one that seems to be cropping up more and more frequently of late.

"Why are you single??"

This is the most hateful, socially inappropriate query imaginable. If questions had a face, I would punch this question in it. I would punch this question in the face. Because honestly, what answer is there for it? Boys just don't like me? The worst part about it though is the fact that the enquirer is never content to leave it at the initial transgression. Oh no. They choose to follow it up with something along the lines of "You're so cute, and nice!". So you see what happens now? Now, it becomes MY fault somehow. Because the idea of someone being single when, conceivably, they COULD be in a relationship, is totally socially unacceptable, or inconceivable.
Is it so hard to imagine a person can be single because they find life more enjoyable that way? Is it not just implied that a single person is such because the option of being in a relationship that will make them happy just hasn't presented itself yet? No. It creates such a paradox that reasons need to be found for it.
I hate the unspoken implication the conversation carries, as well, wherein there must be something inherently wrong with ME as a person in that I've been unable to land a husband, especially when we eliminate physical appearance as a factor. So essentially, we're saying either I'm BATSHIT CRAZY, or else flawed in some other ridiculous way, and as such manage to make myself undatable.
For the record, I'm NOT undatable. I'm just not dating. Massive difference. And you know what? That's my choice. And not one I feel the need to justify. It's a position that requires neither defence nor explanation. I've been in relationships. At the moment, I'm not. And surprise- I'm happy. My friends are amazing, and lonliness isn't an issue. Love isn't an issue. And I'd rather be single than launch myself into an available relationship out of boredom.
So next time you think you should ask me that question, stop. Punch yourself in the face. Save me the effort. We'll all feel better in the long run.

Self Censorship Sucks

Sometimes, I'm a bit of a jerk. It's true, I know this. Which is the reason why I've spent today going back through all my old blog posts removing derogatory remarks I've made about a certain person I used to hate, and am now in the process of becoming friendly with. Because lets face it, I'm a shameless self-promoter, and at some stage I AM going to direct him towards my blog, if only to show off a bit about how clever I am.
So, I just thought I should let EVERYONE know that I'm making like George Lucas and erasing history a little. But it's necessary. But don't panic. I'll continue to be the same nasty "See-You-Next-Tuesday" in future that you all know and love!
Well, maybe not love. But we sure do like one another, yeah?

On a serious note though, this current situation that I mentioned, the becoming friendly with someone I was so antagonistic towards, it's really opened my eyes up to a few things. Namely, how easy it is to like someone you hated so much before. It just seems intriguing that it has seemed like such a seamless transition. It suggests a few questions. Was I only holding onto anger out of stubborness, when I didn't need to? Or do such intense feelings just manage to bleed seamlessly into one another? I don't know, but it's definitely food for thought. Maybe my capacity to forgive is bigger than I gave myself credit for? Or maybe I'm just a nicer person than we all assumed. Nah, that last one is too unrealistic to even entertain!

Who is Bones?

Astute readers will have noticed I use the moniker "Bones" fairly regularly, and it has often come up as the source of some confusion, or at least mild interest. Well, strap yourselves in, kids, cos here's why. Although I do preface this with the warning that the ACTUAL story behind it is far less exciting than whatever depraved scenario you've cooked up in your own heads.
It came about after an incident at work one day, where a good friend and manager, Corey, hijacked the radiowaves and announced "This is your captain speaking..." and proceeded to ramble on with, well, whatever it is that a captain in a bookshop needs to address the crew about.
Being a slight Star Trek geek from way back, as was he, naturally, the mention of a Captain inspired me to refer to him, from that day forth, as Jim. Jim as in James. As in James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise (NCC 1701). And if you're still looking at me blankly, I'm not sure that we can be friends anymore. How awkward...
And, being the attention-demanding little bastard I am, if HE had a Star Trek identity, I wanted one as well. Naturally, Spock was the first choice, but it only took about four seconds to realise I'm FAR too emotional (read: melodramatic) to assume an identity like that, so the obvious next choice? Leonard "Bones" McCoy. And thus, a nickname was born.

Any questions???

Monday, May 11, 2009

Get your nerd on!

Ever since I've been old enough to talk, I've been able to utter the phrase "Live long and prosper". I know the history of the Federation better than I know the history of my own countrys government, and I look down on people that don't know their Klingons from their Cardassians. So I was expecting to have tremendous issues with the new Star Trek movie. Want to hear something shocking though? I thoroughly enjoyed it! Sure, I had issues with it (which I'll get to soon) but on the whole, it exceeded my expectations. Admittedly, they were kinda low, but still, it was a good movie.
It did exactly what it set out to do, which was return the original crew to screens, got Star Trek back to basics, and just provide a ripping sci-fi romp. I'm not gunna get caught up on the reasons why it was awesome. There are lots. And you'll probably see it anyway, so it's a waste of both our time.
So lets get right down to issues I had with the film, yeah? Because honestly, who loves a good whinge more than me? No one. That's who.

1. I can't go past the continuity erasing aspect of the film. I'm sorry, I KNOW that makes me a nerd, but I have a huge beef with it. Although the fact that they even use the phrase "alternate reality" in the film did make me happy, because you can imagine it coexisting with the traditional Trek universe, instead of outright replacing it. Sort of like the Mirror Universe, I guess. Just so long as, in the 24th Century of SOME universe, Jean Luc Picard still captains the Enterprise E, I'm happy.

2. The Drill. WTF. Two men can destroy the damn thing with a pulse rifle each. No one on either planet (Vulcan or Earth) thought to shoot at it? Really? My first thought (after "What the fuck is that??") would have been "Oh jesus! Shoot it!!!!". Stupid Vulcans.

3. Nero. Seemed like a cool bad guy for the first few minutes, but really, kinda lame. He poonced about the 23rd century for 25 years? Shit, dude! The logistics of that are astounding! How did he manage that? Where did he refuel? No one noticed him at all, in all that time? Although I did like the way he reacted to Kirk, as though he was ggenuinely excited to be meeting such a historical figure. And kicking him in the face. But it felt like they were trying to make him Spocks Kahn, so it felt kinda depressing that Quinto and Bana didn't have more screen time together. Or even Bana and Nimoy. His whole driving force was hatred for Spock, but it was never REALLY shown. That was a shame.

They were my major issues. Everything else was really cool- effects, casting, writing, I loved it all. It will be interesting to see where Star Trek goes from here, be it with new movies, TV series, whatever. And will they just let the old continuity slowly fade away? Or will they pump it in the Expanded Universe stuff? How exciting!!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Bored of the Rings

Confession time. And considering I work in a bookstore, this is a biggie. I HATE Lord of the Rings. Not mildly dislike, but actively hate. And it saddens me. I've tried, on many an occasion, to read and enjoy the books, but I just can't. They just don't engage me in any way, shape or form. And I can't understand the fanatical devotion they inspire in people. For years, I assumed I was just missing something with them, because that large a fandom surely can't be wrong, but nope. Now I'm prepared to come right out with it and admit I hate the.
Has anybody noticed just how frigging BORING they are? How desperately in need of an edit they seem to be? How nothing happens, for like, 200 pages? So how does it build up the *ahem* fellowship that it has? I honestly don't understand!
Now, I thoroughly enjoyed the films, and think that a lot of peoples claims of "Oh, I LOVE LotR" comes from having thought great movies automatically translated into great books (you see that a lot in a bookshop- tryhards attempting to trick you by jumping on a bandwagon without having read the book in question) but that doesn't explain how they've sustained for so long. Is it because the readers are unaware that there is BETTER fantasy out there? Because lets face it- there is. Robin Hobb, Raymond E Feist, christ, even David Eddings spins a better tale than Tolkein managed.
Is it because Tolkein gets thought of with an air of cheery nostalgia, that flaws that would cripple another author tend to be glossed over, with arguments of "Well, he's the first, and he has SUCH a good imagination"?
Or, was I simply right the first time, and I'm missing some crucial part of my brain necessary to enjoy Lord of the Rings?

Week 15- Live as a Rabbit

Mission Fifteen: Spend a week as a Vegetarian
Status: Accomplished

This weeks task was a late addition to the game, based on a challenge that was handed to me by a full-time, proper vegetarian, but I do love a challenge and thought it seemed at home amongst the rest of my little tasks.
I will admit, my first thought was "Pfft. How hard could it be?". I mean, it's not like I was being asked to only eat things that started with W. Or I was only allowed foods that were blue, or something difficult like that. Vegetarianism is fairly common- surely if there was even a degree of difficulty to it, people wouldn't bother. Right?
Well, yes and no. The first thing I noticed was how HARD it was thinking of things to eat for major meals. Breakfast and lunch are ok, you don't normally devour whole cows for those meals anyway, but dinner? That's a toughie! It's just so ingrained to head to the meat department of the supermarket, that removing it from the equation makes things about ten times harder. Especially once I'd already cooked a Vegetable Stor Fry- that didn't leave me many places to go.
So, my diet basically consisted of potato gems, vegetarian nachos and sandwiches. So whilst I managed to maintain my faux-vegetarianism, it certainly wasn't the most exciting week, food-wise.
I enjoyed doing it though, so I think I'll give it another go in a few weeks, I'll just be slightly better prepared for the whole thing, and actually think it out in advance. You can only handle a salad so many times in one week, you know?

Week 14- Take to the Skies

Mission Fourteen: Fly a Kite
Status: FAILED

Alas. For the first time since NWWBW started, I have to report, well, failure. And it kills me. But unfortunately, because it was the same week I went to Melbourne (yes, my updates have fallen behind again), and the weather was complete bollocks, I was UNABLE to get outdoors to fly a kite in the alloted time. I did purchase one. It had Elmo on it. And I do still intend to make good on the task. But unfortunately, there is no way to stretch the rules any further, and success was not forthcoming.
It was a fairly stupid task though, so let's not get too choked up about it...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Liza Update

So, tickets HAVE been purchased, seats are a little bit awesome, and I'm so excited I can barely sit still. All this, and the concert isn't until October. How will I last? Who knows. If I explode, I'm pretty sure I'll be full of glitter!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Gay Nirvana

This is it, people! The event we've ALL been waiting for. Well, the event I'VE been waiting for. I have learnt, this evening, that Liza Minnelli will be touring Australia later this year. Yes, THAT Liza. The one that's Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S, cos Lisa with an S goes SSSSS not ZZZZ. The very same.
I've always maintained that my life will remain incomplete until I've seen this woman perform, and now that she's announced it, Im already envisioning a fulfilling, complete death. So far, I've managed to see Kylie, Bette and Cher, which does actually only leave Ms Minnelli on the list, and the chance of crossing her off is making me literally GIDDY with excitement. Because even if she's bad (and let's face it, there's a very good chance she could be...) just the chance to SEE her will be fantastic. I don't even CARE that this pushes me irrevocably into the label "stereotype", either. Share in my excitement, y'all! Christ I hope she sings Liza with a Z.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

What Would Mario Do?

I was playing Super Mario Galaxy this afternoon, and it got me thinking. What IS the go between Bowser and Peach? Because something is definitely afoot, and I want to know what it is. He kidnaps her with alarming regularity, and I'm starting to smell the bullshit.
Firstly: Why is he kidnapping her? Has it ever been established? Is it for sex? Is it for money? I don't understand what he's getting out of this arrangement. Does he have a thing for Mario and this is the only way to keep him coming round?
Secondly: How is he kidnapping her? She's not exactly being resistant to the whole process, is she? And I've SEEN her kick ass. She's done it lots of times! She's a regular Xena in Smash Bros Brawl, smacking bitches upside the head like a crazy person with her umbrella. So what's the dillio?
I think kidnapping her is a little TOO easy, if you're picking up what I'm putting down here... Has Nintendo been hiding a sick, disturbing mixed race relationship under our noses for years?
What would Mario say??