Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Lighter side of misery

You know? Look at that background. That rainbow is FAR too chirpy from the misery of that last post! So, brand new day. You know what? Emotion makes people uncomfortable, especially me, and the last thing I want is for this blog to turn into one of those awkward "downward spiral into self destruction" thing. So I wont! Just so you know.

Which doesn't mean there WONT be stages of sad, because hell, grieving a relationship is the same as grieving a death. It's bound to manifest here and there some more. It just means I'm back to being me. And that's someone who'd rather stab myself in the foot than be considered a depressive tit. I've done my excercises (by which I mean watched Steel Magnolias AND Beaches... do yourself a favour by not asking how many times) which means it's time for me to be back, and dealing with this thing with the same vaguely cynical, self-deprecating eye I turn on everything else.

Basically, it just means my life now is going to involve more awkward moments where I note the disturbing similarity between myself and the following fictional characters:

Grace Adler, Liz Lemon and Bridget Jones. A trio of ridiculousness. I always knew I was destined to become one of them, I just never knew it was going to be an amalgamation of all three. But you know what? I'm pretty sure I can make it work for me. I mean, Bridget ended up with Mr Darcy, right? (Ok, true, Grace ended up with Harry Connick Jr, but surely there's no omnipotent being in the universe that hates me THAT much...)

Bottom line is, I'm back, baby. And to celebrate, I'm planning some SEVERE retail therapy this weekend. I'll let you know how it goes!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


A blog without words? My symbolic pretentiousness knows no bounds...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

This blog needs more porn

In order to be truly successful on the internet, it's pretty common knowledge that you need to involve pornography in some way. So, instead of taking some kind of moral high ground and refusing to succumb to base lowest common denominators, I've decided to spice things up a bit!

Now, I'm not sure wether this is something that will turn out to be common knowledge, and I'll look like a dumbass for getting excited about it, but whilst in Wollongong, Clare opened my eyes to a world I never even knew existed. Parody Pornography. And I don't mean in the sense that it's parodying porn somehow, in a clever satire way. I mean this:

Porn aspect aside, how fucking awesome is the set in that thing! Is this endorsed somehow? Like, have they used the same building for the auditorium? If not, that really shows commitment to the cause! But Glee isn't the only one! There are heaps! And some are really weird. Like The Office. Who watches that and decides it needs to be sexier?

The best part about that one has to be that it's actually being funny! Are people really looking for punchlines in porn? I never would have guessed that- aren't they busy with...well, other things when they're watching it?

And this one just gets stranger. Sigh. Internet, you've done it again. Just when I thought my days of shaking my head in disbelief at your shenanigans were over...

Glee plus alcohol equals...

Well, equals pretty much what you'd expect it to, I think. A show that manages to be that ridiculous sober can only by improved by intoxication, and using that theory as a guide, the GLEE DRINKING GAME was born! Now, if you're one of the three people that actually read this thing, chances are you already have at least a passing appreciation for Glee in all it's campy awesomeness, so it stands equally to reason that you can't wait to discover this game, discovered by myself, Benjamin and Clare on a Wild Wollongongian Weekend.
So, given that the decision was made to turn a regular innocent Glee marathon into a night of drunken debauchery, we needed rules. Turns out thats pretty simple. When ANY of the following occurs- a drink must bet taken. I suggested we try it with spirits, but as Benjamin pointed out, we'd probably die. The boys a thinker.
Anyway. Drink when:

- Whenever there's a musical number
- Finn looks confused about something
- Every time Rachel complains about something
- Every time Sue makes a caustic remark about someone or something
- Every time Mike Chang dances
- Every time Mercedes shows off with a high note
- Any time the episodes title is directly mention (worth noting: we were watching the episode "Funk". It's used a lot)
- Whenever Kurt changes outfits
- Whenever Brittany does ANYTHING
- There's a dramatic confrontation between anyone
- They have a celebrity guest

Needless to say, we ended up pretty hammered. After about twenty minutes. And then proceeded to watch more. Intelligence has never been one of my stronger attributes, fortunately an immunity to alcohol poisoning HAS been. Otherwise things could have been messy...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Offensive to ANY religion!

For a multitude of reasons, each one more scintillating than the last, I found myself in Wollongong this weekend just gone, a sentence I can honestly say that, up until now, I've never had need to utter. And the surprising thing was, I actually really enjoyed myself. Far from my image of walking up a main street and reenacting the Broken Hill scenes from Priscilla: Queen of the Dessert, I actually had a really awesome time- turns out Wollongong is pretty much the same as Newcastle, except I'm not avoiding everyone there. So, anyway, being my usual needy, pushy self, I demanded Benjamin and Clare show me the sights, but as it turns out, that's easier said than done. Sights in that neck of the woods are few and far between, but there was, supposedly, something called the Kiama Blowhole worthy of a look, so I demanded we head off to investigate.

In much the same way a puppy, or small child, would have required constant stimulation, I suppose.

Anyway, on our way there, I spied something suitably phallic and distracting in the distance, and all of a sudden, I didn't care how intriguingly dirty this "blowhole" sounded- I'd found something more deserving of my meager attention span...THIS:

A REAL LIFE Buddhist Temple! So anyway, that's how my Buddhist Adventure started. And it was fantastic- I'd love to go back when I have more time, although I may need a disguise. A few lessons were learnt the hard way, and so, for you're blog-reading enjoyment, I present my list of lessons learnt in a Buddhist Temple. (Or, a few reasons why Michael shouldn't be allowed to roam free...)

Prepare to discover enlightenment. For which you're eternally welcome.

Firstly, just because the sign says "Incense of Offering" DOES NOT MEAN THEY'RE OFFERING IT TO YOU!!! I cannot stress this enough! You haven't experienced a glare until it's the glare of a monk when you've attempted to steal their sacred offerings. Personally, I think their sign should have been clearer.

Secondly, the fact that you see what LOOK like Swastikas everywhere does NOT mean they'll laugh at your satiric "Heil Hitler", complete with salute. Shit- WW2 was DECADES ago- are we still not laughing about that??

Thirdly, and possibly most disappointing of all,despite the fact that you're essentially standing in a giant dojo, muttering "MORTAL KOMBAT" and acting like the monks are about to engage in a fight to the death ISN'T smiled upon. In fact, as a bit of a rule, just stop assuming the monks know Kung Fu. It's less disappointing that way. It's not to say they COULDN'T have chosen to kick my ass with a roundhouse to the head, but signs generally pointed to the fact they weren't going to.

And finally, after the sixteenth statue in the bushes, reciting the "Don't Blink" speech from Doctor Who gets less amusing to your travelling companions. Even if you ARE just trying to save them from this...

Having said all that though, a day at the temple is a ridiculously entertaining experience, and honestly, if I could get back in there without threat of lynching, I'd totally do it again! I'd just, you know, require constant adult supervision or something...

(This may be why my mother kept me on a leash in Disneyland...)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Still not gossipping...

Ok, so, despite rumours to the contrary, I'm actually not dead. I'm alive, kicking, and STILL not one to gossip. But, having said that, I have LOTS to complain about. And what better reason to start blogging again.
Actually, it's funny how much things can change in just a few months- I feel like my life is at such a different point than it was when I was regularly updating this thing, which is why I probably fell out of practice so dramatically, which is a shame, because a lot of cool shit went down. I think now, to jump back in, it's best to think that you missed an entire season of a television show you used to watch religiously. All the characters are pretty much the same, but a lot of storylines have occurred that you've got no idea about, and don't understand any of the references to. Which is ok- you'll pick it back up if you read spoilers online, and in the meantime, you can make up your own reasons for why all the settings have changed and why some characters have been recast inbetween episodes. That's what fanwankery was invented for! In the meantime though, just know that you missed MANY amazing stories, like surprise airport visits, shark feedings, ghosts and weddings. They made for fabulous episodes though. Just be distressed that you missed them. I am.

However, as a SMALL consolation for all of that, and as my way to say sorry for letting this place fall into such disrepair while we've all been off, looking at more exciting websites, I've given it a facelift which looks pretty sharp, and I offer this. You're welcome.

I for one can't WAIT for her inevitable guest spot on Glee...