Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Little Mermaid- NOT FOR KIDS

I thought a quick parenting tip from Mikey was in order today, based on a lesson learnt the hard way by myself when I was a youngster. Actually, there are a few stories like this, which I feel contributed to making me the bat-shit crazy individual we see before us today, and in time, I hope to share each and every one with you. If not you, then with a certified Medical Professional at some stage in my future. We'll see which is more appropriate.

Anyways, like most kiddies growing up in the 80's, I was obsessed with the charming Disney movie "The Little Mermaid". To the extent where my childhood ambition was to actually BE a mermaid. Not a mer-man, mind you, because I'd never heard of such a creature, much to my parentals horror, and I was adamant that I would, some day, be a Mermaid, just like Ariel.

Being the loving parents they are, my folks saw no harm in nurturing my particular obsession, even going so far as to purchase me a copy of the original "The Little Mermaid" story, by Hans Christian Anderson (who shares my birthday, by the way) DON'T EVER DO THIS!!! I CANNOT stress this enough. Never give a child that adores the Disney romp a copy of the original text- it wont end well! Imagine my prepubescant horror to discover that Ariel does not, as I'd been led to believe, live a Happily Ever After with Eric, but instead, is given the option of KILLING him, after he buggers off and marries someone else, or letting herself die! And those feet the Sea Witch was so happy to let her have? Caused her excruciating pain on which to move. Despite this, SHE KEEPS FUCKING DANCING for the stupid Prince! And how does the whole thing end? She's dead. She turns into Sea Foam. That's it. It's utterly, utterly horrific, and I never really got over it. So, you know, be warned. Bastard Disney and their overly happy mermaid tales.

On a mostly unrelated note though, I'm in love with the Little Mermaid Broadway Cast. Not a single sea-foam related death to be seen- MUCH BETTER!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Week 20- Hogwarts Express

Mission Twenty: Cast a Spell
Status: Accomplished

I have to admit, my expectations for this task involved slightly more mysticism than the task provided. Apparantly, when the extent of your knowledge on casting spells comes from either Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Harry Potter, your grip on reality is a little skewed, to say the least. But never mind- I soldiered on, and here are the results. After consulting an ancient Grimmorie (well, a "How to Cast Spells" book I found at work) I managed to find one that included red wine as a recipe. Could it BE any more suited to me?
Now, it just so happens that it was a love spell. I promise this was coincidence- I didn't set out to cast some bewitching love spell (besides, we've all seen how that ends in Buffy. Not well.) like a crazy desperate single person. TRUST ME.
I had to create a love oil first (which is less dirty than it sounds) which I let simmer in the slow cooker, which was LESS exciting than a cauldron may have been, but considerably more convenient, and once it was prepared, I had to annoint a love candle. Oh, I had to chant a bunch as well. I was going to show you the chants, but I can't find my spell anymore, but they were all things like Oil of love, enchanted be. Bring a perfect love to me. No latin to be heard at all, thank you very much JK Rowling...
So, I had to gather my ingredients:

The wine MAY have been started already by this stage... So then, the magic candle was lit, the ingredients were combined and put on the stove for seven minutes, all the while, I was chanting away, listening to No Good Deed Goes Unpunished from Wicked (you know, to set the mood). That's pretty much it. Magic spell cast. Oh, then I had to chant and drink the potion, once it had cooled down. Now, this is where the event got less charming. If only I could convey the stench of this thing via a blog to you, and there was a LOT of wine in there... Look, I'll show you. This is GENUINE magic potion.
This is me DRINKING genuine magic potion.

And this? This is me attempting to not VOMIT genuine magic potion all over the damn kitchen.

I never saw Willow do THAT! Now, the important question is, did it work? I'll keep you posted.

Talk about fail!

Well. That haiku idea was less entertaining than I thought it was going to be. Honestly, what was I doing? Sometimes I think I share TOO much of the bizarre inner workings of my brain with you guys. No wonder people are put off by me- I'm batshit insane! Oh well- if I keep referring to it as eccentric charm for long enough, it will be bound to stick, right? Right? RIGHT???

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Time for an update,
Completely done in haiku.
Why? Because I'm nuts.

I love word games though.
Always have and always will.
I'm just a big nerd.

So, what's on today?
Housework or Doctor Who.
I've not chosen yet.

Or maybe just this.
Sitting here, writing on this.
All for you, reader.

I hope you're happy.
I'm wasting a day for you.
You lucky devil.

I should mow my lawn.
It's looking like a jungle.
Grass higher than dog.

I guess it's good bye.
Until next time then, lovers.
Peace out and be good.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Here we go again...

Another post devoted to me explaining why there haven't been any updates in a few days. Heard it all before, haven't we. But THIS time, I've got a really good excuse. Apart from the general, you know, real world going-ons that I need to devote a certain amount of time to each day, lately, I've found more and more of my waking hours are being devoured by the bitch-goddess that is the Nintendo Wii. Specifically, Rock Star.
Mikey has joined a Rock Band. (There IS pictorial evidence of this, but I'm still trying to get it on the computer) Well, two, if you want to get technical (Musician-Slut that I am).
I'm the lead drummer in "A Gayer Shade of Futchaa", although thanks to a ridiculously short space to enter band names, we're technically "A Gayer Shade of Fu". But that works as well...
It's SO MUCH FUN! It would help if I actually knew any of the songs (Apart from Dirty Little Secret) but I don't think I'm really the target demographic. Maybe if they released "Pop Band", or stuck some Cher on there or something, but whatevs. So I do apologise for my tardiness, but what can I say? The band takes up a lot of my time...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Week 19- Celluloid Heaven

Mission Nineteen: Be in a film
Status: Accomplished

Oh yeah, baby! Mikey's a film star now! If by film, we mean a small, arty production done for a uni art student, and by star, we mean one of 16 people dressed in identical outfits and dying on camera, then sure. Mikey's a film star! I answered a call from a friend to go take part in a shoot, and here we are! I was required to put on a white Hazmat suit, mill about a VERY small space, get covered in blood, and die. Not bad for a mornings work, I say!

Obviously I'll post a link to the youtube video as soon as it's uploaded, but I understand the director needs a chance to edit it or whatever, so that could be a week or so away. I MAY have been the only person in a hazmat with a blonde fringe clearly visible, but, you know, it's personal touches like that which are going to make me a star. If anyone would like an autograph, be sure to let me know! Another ridiculously fun task.

Subtlety is an art form

And claiming the prize for "Strangest Customer" this week is the gentleman that called me up looking for a copy of the Karma Sutra. The conversation was as follows:

Customer: Do you have a copy of the karma sutra?
Mikey: Why yes, we have several, sir.
Customer: Several? Really? Tell me about them!
Mikey: Well, there's the traditionally illustrated version, there's the photographic version, there's the pop-up edition, there's the... look, maybe you should just come in and have a look?
Customer: No, no. I'm sure the photo one is fine. Can you mail it out to me?
Mikey: Yeah, sure.
Customer: Express Post?
Mikey: Well...sure.
Customer: So I'll have it tomorrow? Like, DEFINITELY?
Mikey: ...

My question is, why does someone need a book like that with SUCH ridiculous urgency? Is he planning a marathon sex session tomorrow night that is going to require the assistance of a manual? And if it's so important, would you REALLY trust the homosexual at the bookshop to pick you out one that's going to do the job?

So anyway- he wins. Weirdo.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Adventures in Literacy!

I like to read. A lot. People that know me know this. And working in a bookshop, I tend to do it a great deal. So, what have I been reading lately? I'll show you.


Running With Scissors: Augusten Burroughs

I'd always heard good things about this, but avoided it on the basis that I thought it was just going to be another "misery porn" memoir, but a recent decision to dip my toe back into the Angus & Robertson Top 100 list led me to finally pick it up. Holy crap. I could NOT have been more wrong. It was great! And not at all miserable and whiny, like I feared. Augusten Burroughs has one of those fantastic literary voices that just makes reading their stuff a pleasure, and his sense of humour is fantastic. There was one chapter that literally made me dry heave (I'm sure anyone that's read it can guess what it was...) but apart from that, I couldn't have enjoyed it more. Jesus though- talk about a bullshit upbringing. Those Finches be crazy. I'd love to know a bit more about the story behind the memoirs though, especially in regards to a revelation in the final chapter that I'd love to see followed up on. I suppose I will, when I check out his other stuff. I think I'm a fan now.


The Gargoyle: Andrew Davidson

This one has been trying to seduce me for ages at work. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it just sounds like it's going to be a great read. Now, I'm only a little way in (by which, I mean, like, 20 pages) and it's still finding its feet, but it's way too early to pass any sort of judgement yet. An extraordinary debut novel of love that survives the fires of hell and transcends the boundaries of time. How great does THAT sound? I'll keep you posted...


This one has been on my "to read" list for ages. I mean, damn. It's pretty much considered one of the greatest accomplishments of the English language. So that sounds a bit fancy, right? I managed to buy a copy today, and I can't WAIT to get stuck into it. Assuming I ever actually DO, and it's not like the countless OTHER books that I've purchased on the basis of literary merit and never gotten around to reading. Like Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Once and Future King, The Prince, Moby Dick, The Lost World or The Complete Sherlock Holmes. My bookshelf makes me look a lot more well-read than I actually am...