Broadway just got gayer? Count me in!

Things I like?

Karen Walker? Check

Musical theatre? Check

So the recent announcement from Megan Mullally, that she will be producing and starring in Karen Walker: The Musical on broadway, understandably creates a feeling of contentment in me that borders on post-orgasmic. Because the only thing I love more than the things I love, is when the things I like combine, to make some sort of Super Experience of Love. Such as when Kristen Chenoweth was on Glee, or when Indiana Jones and Han Solo teamed up with Optimus Prime to fight Nazi's and ride motorbikes with the kids from Grease 2. (what do you mean you haven't seen that one? It was awesome. Trust me)

Anyway, seeing as I've dreamt of it forever, I've decided that the patron saint of homosexuals, Ms Walker, has sent me a sign that the time is right to cut the bullshit and finally make the pilgrimage to the Great White Way (Broadway, for the non homosexuals following at home.) What's more, to ensure that this is indeed the trip of a lifetime, I intend to head there over the Christmas period (Christmas 2011, to be precise. I figure I better give Karen a chance to actually WRITE the damn thing), and possibly manage to wing it so that I get to spend New Years Eve in Times Square. How's THAT for a bucket full of awesome?

Honestly, ever since I was a little girl, heading to Broadway has been a dream. And the fact that I get to incorporate stalking one of the most awesome celebrities on the face of the planet, only sweetens the arrangement that much more. And, WHITE CHRISTMAS! I've never even SEEN snow! Sigh. It's going to be EXACTLY like Home Alone 2. But with more alcohol. And less burglars. And no Macaulay Culkin. Actually, not that much like Home Alone 2, to be honest.

Gunna live forever? Probably not.

I just got home from the Fame remake, and you know what? I still can't decide wether it was fantastic, or complete and utter rubbish. Probably somewhere in the middle, I'd say. Parts of it were, without a doubt, fantastic, but on the other hand, parts of it were, unquestionably, tripe. One thing is certain though. If your parents didn't send you to this school, they don't love you. At all. Which must be tough for you. (And it's the reason MY parents are getting crappy presents for Christmas this year)

Honestly, a school where people burst into random songs at semi-regular intervals? What could be more up my alley? Of course, according to this movie, if I DID go to the Performing Arts High, I would have to become a complete two dimensional caricature, and lose the ability for rational conversation or even basic confrontational skills (Seriously. The number of problems that could have been completely resolved with a sensible discussion between parties was crazy! Did Dawsons Creek teach these kids nothing? You ALWAYS give someone a chance to explain what you think you saw!) but I think I'd be ok with that, for a chance to be taught singing by Megan Mullaly. Actually, I'm sure of it. Megan Mullaly and Kelsey Grammar were the two best things Fame had going for it, and neither of them were in it for nearly long enough, even if Karen did get to belt out one particularly show stopping number.

The best part about attending PA though, would undoubtedly have been the fact that they can cram four years worth of melodrama and performances into just under two hours screen time- and WITHOUT the use of time travel. Of course, to do this, they sacrifice, you know, any sort of plot resolution whatsoever, but by the end, you really don't care who said what to whom, or why character A is breaking up with character B (actually, if you even realised they were in a relationship, you're doing better than I was), or even why they're still attending a school when all the successful kids have dropped out anyway. But whatevs. It was kind of fun, and it kept me entertained, for the most part. Even if I'm still not entirely sure what happened. It's not often I see something MORE scattered than my own thought process. And that's not nothing, that's something. Well done, Fame. I think.

I think I'm a "Gleek"

I have a confession to make, and I don't CARE how much of a stereotype it makes me. I freaking LOVE Glee. After just FIVE episodes, it's already become one of my favourite shows in recent history. It's just fabulous. I adore it so much, if it was a person, I'm pretty sure I'd marry it. Or at least hook up with it behind the toilets at lunch time. It's got such an unapologetic sense of fun that feels as though it's tapping directly into my brain to spew out everything I've ever wanted in a show. And then turns it up to eleven. The pilot episode features the GREATEST version of "Don't Stop Believing" I've ever seen (ok, I'll be honest. It's the only version I've ever seen, but I'm assured by everyone that it's a song I'm supposed to have heard of, so in the vein of pretending to have decent music taste, I play along...) and the chemistry between the two leads, Rachael and Finn, is so tangible I'm shocked they haven't burst into flames yet. (Also, Finn is my latest celebrity crush. Sorry Piemaker. I've totally mindcheated on you. And I was completely pretending Finn was talking to me in the latest episode, instead of Rachael)

Honestly, I can't describe how fabulous the show is. You're just going to have to trust me on this one. Yes, the writing can be shaky and... well, "simple" would probably be a fairly good description, but it MORE than makes up for it with drama, fabulousness, and energy. When the football team performed Single Ladies in the middle of a game? (Well, it wasn't the middle, but it WAS during...) I thought I'd died and gone to Homo Heaven! The only thing missing was Anthony Callea in angel wings, but given how gay this show already is, it's only a matter of time...

Oh. And Sue Sylvester is the greatest character to come along in YEARS. Dare I say, greatest character since... KAREN WALKER?? Yes. I think I dare.

Examples?

I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'

I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office.

When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused. And then furious.

Sesame gets more Street. Cred, that is.

This is one of the funniest things I've seen since... well... since the last time I wasted hours surfing Youtube looking for bizarre, obscure videos. Whatever. This is fantastic. And it makes me want to kill Elmo less than I normally do. Because let's face it. The furry little fucker would be more entertaining as a throw rug on my floor than as a character on Sesame Street, but credit where it's due- Kevin Clash is GREAT with the improv shit. Enjoy!

Going gaga for Gaga

Holy jesus. This performance is one of the greatest things I've EVER seen.

And also, the reason why I felt the need to purchase tickets to see her live, seconds after the performance ended.

It's just amazing. She's amazing. I'm in awe of her awesomeness. And you've got to love anyone that dedicates an award to "God and the Gays".

Take THAT, America. Swoon.

Snot funny! (get it?)

I know, I'm over a week late on the whole "dust storm" excitement, but I've been busy scraping down the back deck with a toothbrush to remove the final traces of Mars Dirt that has covered everything in existence. I've got to admit, waking up last Thursday morning to an eerie orange glow over everything DID inspire thoughts of an apocalypse, which, annoyingly, I had slept through (which isn't that strange. I've slept through all of Newcastles earthquakes as well, so I shouldn't really be surprised)

I discovered something odd about myself- the idea of an apocalypse kind of excites me! To the point where, discovering it had been a simple dust storm, and not the catastrophic annihilation of humanity, left me mildly disappointed. Should I be worried about myself? I mean, sure. It would be harder to organise a mixed netball team, given the extinction of the human race, but look on the positive side- no more traffic on the roads to worry about! No more queues at the supermarket! NO MORE WINONA RYDER!!!!

Once I realised, though, that the world wasn't facing imminent destruction, I turned my attention towards more pressing matters. No, not matters of cleanliness, or fear about the atmospheric or environmental impact the dust was having. Oh no. My biggest concern for the day (And one that I wasted FAR too much time and energy on?)

How much dust would one have to breathe in before it turned your snot orange?? The answer, it would seem, is far more than I managed. Which was disappointing. Oh well. I've always got the next natural disaster to look forward to. Failing that, I can snort some food colouring...

Anyone want to buy a dog?

There comes a stage in every parents life where they look upon their children, and in a moment of unprecedented clarity, realise that the feeling they're experiencing, is complete and utter disappointment.We all know it's true. No one talks about it, but it's there. I had one such moment on Sunday.

Picture it. Glorious day. Didn't have to go to work. Aware of a Dog Fair Day at the park near my house. What a fabulously coincidental combination of events that lead to the brilliant idea of taking Yosh for a delightful stroll, so he can see and play with the other dogs, and we can be doing something more exciting than sitting around the house by ourselves, being bored. Brilliant plan. Apart from the tiny, forgettable fact that my dog is ridiculous, and my life tends to favour the absurd. (Honestly, I don't understand why! I'm sure most normal people could pull off a plan like that without anything going wrong. How do you become one of those people? What did I do wrong?)

Things were going ok once we arrived (despite the fact that NOBODY stopped my boy to tell him how pretty he was, despite ALL the other dogs getting complimented- honestly, shouldn't they at least lie? That shit will give him a complex!) right up until the sweet old lady came up and fucked everything. Now, with this lady, we're talking SWEET. Sugary sweet. A combination of Sophia Petrelli from the Golden Girls, and everybody's Grandmother in the whole world. Nicest old thing I've ever seen. And she walks up and starts patting Yosh, and telling him how fabulous he looks, and how great he is, and what a lovely boy he must be, and, like father like son, we're both whores for a couple of well placed compliments. By this stage, the lady could have asked either of us to blow up a truck load of pandas and we would have agreed. So when she suggested entering in the small dog race, it seemed like a DAMN good idea. Despite the fact that, you know, I KNOW Yosh is a retard.

So we entered. Apparently, he was a good candidate for the "Pointy Dog Race" (jesus, why not just call him ugly and be done with it? A little sensitivity, people- he has issues with being so damn angular!) Our first issue arose when I had to coax him into the starting box, which was little more than a tiny cage. Once we overcame THAT obstacle, the bastard ESCAPED from said starting box, and ran the length of the field looking for me, distressed at the idea of being abandoned in a cage (memories from his time in lockup must still be fresh). Whilst looking for me, he ran straight past me. This should have been my biggest sign this wasn't going to end well. So I got him BACK in the box, and managed to keep him there, as I took my place at the end of the field. Race started, dogs took off... except for mine. Who was still looking for me. Instead of following the horde of running dogs, he decided his chances of finding me would be better in the big crowd of human spectators. So he went to them. Then saw me and sat down. So not only did he fail at the race, I THEN HAD TO WALK TO HIM! All with a cheering crowd, laughing at what a retard he was, and what an ineffectual parent I turned out to be.

And to add insult to injury, he was beaten by the three legged entrant. How the HELL does that happen? I at least assumed we'd be guaranteed SECOND LAST! Stupid dog. So I think I'm going to sell him. Who wants to make the starting bid??