Anyone want to buy a dog?

There comes a stage in every parents life where they look upon their children, and in a moment of unprecedented clarity, realise that the feeling they're experiencing, is complete and utter disappointment.We all know it's true. No one talks about it, but it's there. I had one such moment on Sunday.

Picture it. Glorious day. Didn't have to go to work. Aware of a Dog Fair Day at the park near my house. What a fabulously coincidental combination of events that lead to the brilliant idea of taking Yosh for a delightful stroll, so he can see and play with the other dogs, and we can be doing something more exciting than sitting around the house by ourselves, being bored. Brilliant plan. Apart from the tiny, forgettable fact that my dog is ridiculous, and my life tends to favour the absurd. (Honestly, I don't understand why! I'm sure most normal people could pull off a plan like that without anything going wrong. How do you become one of those people? What did I do wrong?)

Things were going ok once we arrived (despite the fact that NOBODY stopped my boy to tell him how pretty he was, despite ALL the other dogs getting complimented- honestly, shouldn't they at least lie? That shit will give him a complex!) right up until the sweet old lady came up and fucked everything. Now, with this lady, we're talking SWEET. Sugary sweet. A combination of Sophia Petrelli from the Golden Girls, and everybody's Grandmother in the whole world. Nicest old thing I've ever seen. And she walks up and starts patting Yosh, and telling him how fabulous he looks, and how great he is, and what a lovely boy he must be, and, like father like son, we're both whores for a couple of well placed compliments. By this stage, the lady could have asked either of us to blow up a truck load of pandas and we would have agreed. So when she suggested entering in the small dog race, it seemed like a DAMN good idea. Despite the fact that, you know, I KNOW Yosh is a retard.

So we entered. Apparently, he was a good candidate for the "Pointy Dog Race" (jesus, why not just call him ugly and be done with it? A little sensitivity, people- he has issues with being so damn angular!) Our first issue arose when I had to coax him into the starting box, which was little more than a tiny cage. Once we overcame THAT obstacle, the bastard ESCAPED from said starting box, and ran the length of the field looking for me, distressed at the idea of being abandoned in a cage (memories from his time in lockup must still be fresh). Whilst looking for me, he ran straight past me. This should have been my biggest sign this wasn't going to end well. So I got him BACK in the box, and managed to keep him there, as I took my place at the end of the field. Race started, dogs took off... except for mine. Who was still looking for me. Instead of following the horde of running dogs, he decided his chances of finding me would be better in the big crowd of human spectators. So he went to them. Then saw me and sat down. So not only did he fail at the race, I THEN HAD TO WALK TO HIM! All with a cheering crowd, laughing at what a retard he was, and what an ineffectual parent I turned out to be.

And to add insult to injury, he was beaten by the three legged entrant. How the HELL does that happen? I at least assumed we'd be guaranteed SECOND LAST! Stupid dog. So I think I'm going to sell him. Who wants to make the starting bid??