Sunday, December 13, 2009

#8: Golden Girls- Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

Don't let the name of this Christmas special fool you- this is NOT about Dorothy, Sophia and the other two stumbling on Halloween town and doing their own take on Nightmare Before Christmas, with Blanche screwing Jack and Sophia beating Oogie at a game of dice. I apologise now for your disappointment- don't worry, I felt the same way. In fact, if ever there was a fan-fiction begging to be written, it's that one. (And if I see it hit the web at any point in the next few days, I'm going to sue)

In actuality, this episode is, as far as I can tell, the first Christmas for the Golden Girls (not ever, of course. The whole PREMISE of the show is that they have a combined age of about four thousand, so I'm guess they've celebrated Chrsitmas once or twice before this), and they're all planning to go home to their seperate families for the holidays. Now, this story had so much crammed in to a twenty miniute episode, I'm suprised they didn't just call it "Tardis", but what we have is: Blanche fucks a Santa, Sophia maxes our Dorothys credit cards buying gifts, Rose still believes in Santa, some guy dressed as St Nick pulls a gun on the ladies demanding they hang with him at Christmas, all the planes are grounded, they get dinner at a diner and also, let some guy go home so he can spend the night with his family, instead of waiting on them all night at this stupid cheesy restaurant.

The lesson here? Don't attempt the holidays unmedicated, I think. After this much excitement, anyone would have been driven to drink! Also, should that guy have just left four old ladies in charge of his business? Am I the only one that thinks that was slightly irresponsible? I mean, he doesn't know them from Adam, and here they are, just up and offering to run the joint. And he accepts! If he's an employee, I hope he gets his ass fired. Enjoy spending ALL your time with your family now, bitch! And if he's the owner, it was even stupider. The women had already proved they couldn't handle a hostage situation, so if the place got held up, good luck keeping anything, douchebag. What a load of bollocks.

Oh well, I suppose my first mistake was expecting realism from the Golden Girls. The highlight of the episode was from Dorothy, when faced with one of Blanches usual whorebag stories, shouting "Blanche! I could get HERPES listening to this story!!" I think that may make it into MY repertoire. Merry Christmas!

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