For a multitude of reasons, each one more scintillating than the last, I found myself in Wollongong this weekend just gone, a sentence I can honestly say that, up until now, I've never had need to utter. And the surprising thing was, I actually really enjoyed myself. Far from my image of walking up a main street and reenacting the Broken Hill scenes from Priscilla: Queen of the Dessert, I actually had a really awesome time- turns out Wollongong is pretty much the same as Newcastle, except I'm not avoiding everyone there. So, anyway, being my usual needy, pushy self, I demanded Benjamin and Clare show me the sights, but as it turns out, that's easier said than done. Sights in that neck of the woods are few and far between, but there was, supposedly, something called the Kiama Blowhole worthy of a look, so I demanded we head off to investigate.
In much the same way a puppy, or small child, would have required constant stimulation, I suppose.
Anyway, on our way there, I spied something suitably phallic and distracting in the distance, and all of a sudden, I didn't care how intriguingly dirty this "blowhole" sounded- I'd found something more deserving of my meager attention span...THIS:
A REAL LIFE Buddhist Temple! So anyway, that's how my Buddhist Adventure started. And it was fantastic- I'd love to go back when I have more time, although I may need a disguise. A few lessons were learnt the hard way, and so, for you're blog-reading enjoyment, I present my list of lessons learnt in a Buddhist Temple. (Or, a few reasons why Michael shouldn't be allowed to roam free...)
Prepare to discover enlightenment. For which you're eternally welcome.
Firstly, just because the sign says "Incense of Offering" DOES NOT MEAN THEY'RE OFFERING IT TO YOU!!! I cannot stress this enough! You haven't experienced a glare until it's the glare of a monk when you've attempted to steal their sacred offerings. Personally, I think their sign should have been clearer.
Secondly, the fact that you see what LOOK like Swastikas everywhere does NOT mean they'll laugh at your satiric "Heil Hitler", complete with salute. Shit- WW2 was DECADES ago- are we still not laughing about that??
Thirdly, and possibly most disappointing of all,despite the fact that you're essentially standing in a giant dojo, muttering "MORTAL KOMBAT" and acting like the monks are about to engage in a fight to the death ISN'T smiled upon. In fact, as a bit of a rule, just stop assuming the monks know Kung Fu. It's less disappointing that way. It's not to say they COULDN'T have chosen to kick my ass with a roundhouse to the head, but signs generally pointed to the fact they weren't going to.
And finally, after the sixteenth statue in the bushes, reciting the "Don't Blink" speech from Doctor Who gets less amusing to your travelling companions. Even if you ARE just trying to save them from this...
Having said all that though, a day at the temple is a ridiculously entertaining experience, and honestly, if I could get back in there without threat of lynching, I'd totally do it again! I'd just, you know, require constant adult supervision or something...
(This may be why my mother kept me on a leash in Disneyland...)
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