Funerals are lame!

I know saying you dislike funerals is on par with mentioning that you hates The Phantom Menace, or that you think Nazis were bastards, or that Tom Cruise is a douche, in that it's one of those things that you generally don't need to waste your breath on, it's kind of a given in polite society, but after my funeral experiences last week, I feel the need to just point out: I REALLY HATE FUNERALS. Not that they're SUPPOSED to be pleasant, I suppose, but still. I hate the spectacle being made of the grieving process- it just seems so crass. As though the whole thing is being touted as some sort of stadium event for everyone to look at everyone else and rate how many sads we're all bringing to the party in some ridiculous sense of morbid one-upmanship. It's nonsense.

Because, as I believe I may have mentioned on here before, I'm an incredibly vain, self centered individual, being at somebody else's funeral invariably made me start thinking about my own, and I've come up with a few guidelines. Readers, take note. You never know when I'm going to drop dead, and it might be up to YOU to make sure these get adhered to.

Firstly: NO AMAZING GRACE. Jesus Christ. If there was ever a song that made me wish I could rip my own ears off instead of listening to the end, it was this one. I've never understood why it's such a staple when someon shuffles off this mortal coil- Do people think they wont get let into heaven unless they've bored everyone in attendance at their funeral with this crusty piece of waffle? So that's a definite. Whoever suggests playing this gets a haunting.

Secondly: NO BLACK. Honestly. The only thing I dislike more than Black is Grey. Don't wear either. Bloody hell, I wear mismatched colourful shoes, for goodness sake, do people REALLY think they'll be honouring me by rocking up clad like a ninja? Actually, if you genuinely ARE dressed like a ninja, come on in. Because that would be cool. Fancy dress funeral? The idea has merit...

Thirdly: NO RELIGION! I cannot stress this enough! Do not clog up my funeral with nonsense gibberish about everlasting life, unless you're making a Zombie metaphor!

This is a good starting point, I think. I also think I'll write a few eulogies to have on standby, just so I can make sure everyone is saying something nice about me that has been approved in advance. You know, something heartfelt and sincere. From me to me.