Twilight fans have gone TOO FAR!

I know I tend to harp on about Twilight a fair bit on here, and it may start to sound like I'm harbouring a bit of a vendetta, but believe me when I say, I have NOTHING against the books. Sure, they're a fairly forgettable piece of quasi-vampire romance tripe, but whatever floats your boat. I don't judge. Truth be told, I'm insanely jealous of Stephanie Meyers ability to half-ass her way through a cliche, refer to her protagonists as Vampires whilst adhering to NONE of the established conventions of Vampire lore, and STILL make more money last year than New Zealand. Because that takes something special. Not talent, obviously, but something.

No, like I've said here before, my Twilight apathy comes almost entirely from the socially stunted, cringe inducing, Edward adoring Twi-Hards. And my hatred of them has gone all the way up to eleven. I thought it was bad when I discovered Edward and Bella Action Figures were in existence, but you know what I realise? I kind of long for the days when the worst thing I'd seen was a broody, emo vampire toy. Because today, the internet exposed me to these.

Twilight Shower Curtain

It's convenient, I suppose, that this lives in the shower. Because scrubbing myself clean is the first thing I thought of when I saw it. Seriously, is this not one of the most sickening things you've ever seen? It's a giant, brooding, disembodied head watching you stand around in the nude! It's like a perverted version of Mulligrubs (am I the only person that gets that reference?) WTF? But, hang on. This is only the tip of the sparkly iceberg. Because shortly after I washed the taste of vomit out of my mouth, I stumbled across this little gem.

Twilight Wall Decal

You know. For the people that REALLY need to feel like someone is watching them sleep. Now, the more I think about this, the more I'm forced to accept that if it was Batman, or Indiana Jones or someone, I'd totally want it, but still. They're hardly in the same category as a weirdass Vampire twat that hangs around your bedroom while you sleep. And just when you think we've found the stupidest piece of film memorabilia of all time, the internet delivers us this. And I apologise in advance for offending anyones sensibilities...

Twilight Dildo

There really isn't much I can say about this. It's exactly what it looks like. A replica of Edward Cullens dong. An alabaster white dildo that sparkles. Well. I never. I mean, are there words to convey all I wish to convey here? Is your mind exploding quite as severely as mine did? I just... What the fucking fuck? Why does this exist? Who feels the need to be rogered by a fictional character SO badly that they'll buy a sex toy covered in sparkliness? Want to hear something that makes this even better? The description on the website reads, AND I QUOTE: Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience. What the effing crap? So now, not only are you debasing yourself with a plastic sparkly Vampiric cocktoy, IT'S FREEZING FUCKING COLD! Just like Edward... What. The. Fuck.

I honestly have no more words. This thing has completely shattered my faith in humanity as a species. And it's ability to survive beyond the next fifteen years. My only question is, how long until we start stocking these at work???

Indiana Jones and the Kidnapped Broad

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN?


Now don't get me wrong. I love me some Indiana Jones goodness. Even the FAR less popular Temple of Doom. I mean sure, it's lacks the action of the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and it's not as hilarious as Indy and his Dads interactions in Last Crusade, but still, the Mine Cart chase is fun, and Indy kicking ass is ALWAYS enjoyable. But. Why the hell does nobody seem to mind that he blatantly kidnaps Willie Scott?

I mean, let's look at the facts. Willie performs at Club Obi Wan (In a logistically ridiculous number that could never be feasibly staged, but thats for another time). Indy rocks up with the ashes of Nurhachi. Shit goes down, and the next thing you know, Indy and Willie are making a quick getaway. Now, this much I understand. She has the antidote he needs. So thus far, having her along seems like a good idea. But thats where it ends. Once they hit the airport and manage to escape in Lao Ches plane, what possible reason is there for her to join them? It's not like she made herself overly useful up until that point- actually, just the opposite! She lost the diamond, she dropped the gun AND she bitched incessantly. None of these are desirable in a traveling companion. Especially when you just KNOW adventures are afoot.

So, the only explanation is, Indiana Jones is a kidnapper. I'm not even being stupid here. He literally forced her out of the club- no one was trying to hurt her in there, remember. In fact, the first person to even threaten her was Indy himself! With a fork. From there, he forces her out of the club, and instead of leaving her in the safety of Shanghai, where she lives and works quite happily, he makes her get on the plane and accompany him to wherever he was planning to go! Now, I'm not one to overdramatise, but thats just one roofie away from a daterape/abduction combo...Not a TERRIBLE way to spend an evening with Indiana Jones, sure, but not the most PC thing you can imagine a respected US Archaeologist getting up to in his spare time.

Seriously. Go watch the movie again. See if you can look at it the same way. And then, explain to me where the fuck Short Round dissapears to after this movie! Would it have killed them to chuck an Asian guy into the wedding scene at the end of Crystal Skull, to fanwank the continuity buffs? Gah!

Mikeys World

Time for a rambling look at what's keeping me occupied, I think. Now, I've often worried that posts like these can be seen as mildly self indulgent, but at the end of the day, this gives you more of an idea on the person that I am, or at least, the things that are currently occupying my life and/or time, and thats one of the reasons for keeping a blog, right? Wikipedia says yes.

So. At the moment I'm currently:

READING

I don't know ANYTHING about this book except for the fact I expect it to scare the holy Christ out of me. I haven't actually started it yet, but thought it seemed more exciting than the Jeremy Clarkson book I just managed to make my way through. I'll let you know if this is worth it, but honestly, who DOESN'T love Vampires that don't sparkle?

WATCHING

Torchwood, Season One. Yeah, I know, 2007 called, just to say I'm late. I don't care. Call me a Johnny-Come-Lately, but this is great! I love it! So unexpectedly fantastic, despite some slightly dodgy episodes and some questionable acting.

LISTENING TO

Now, if the Legally Blonde musical taught us anything, it's that successful adaptations of classic movies into fantastic musicals ISN'T impossible. Just rare. So I shouldn't be so suprised at just how brilliant this turned out to be! It's funny, it's catchy, it's quirky... basically, everything you could want in a musical, as well as a tongue-in-cheek sense of humour and a camp as tits villain. 

LOOKING FORWARD TO

Liza Minnelli. Live. In just over a month. What the fucking fuck? So excited I could pee.

So thats a brief glimpse into the working of the inner Mikey. Oh, and I really want to start wearing a bandana like a Ninja Turtle. But I don't know where to get one or how to make one. Any suggestions?

What's going on??

I'm not sure what happened today. As a matter of fact, I'm still slightly in shock. This weekend, not a SINGLE fuckwit came in to work! Like, all weekend! This is not only unheard of, it is, up until now, an absolute statistical impossibility. Or so I thought.

Working on a Saturday or Sunday is, under normal circumstances, a one way ticket to a migraine. We all know how well I deal with idiots, and on a weekend, in my experience, every idiot on the face of the planet has the urge to come and buy a book. From me. Without knowing the title, author, subject matter, or anything else even remotely helpful. Although a surprisingly large number of them DO seem to be able to remember the colour of the book. Or possibly the publisher. The two most unhelpful pieces of information on the planet to one attempting to locate said book for you.

However, due to some amazing twist of fate, this weekend was populated wholey and soley by people that DIDN'T make me want to kill myself. Not once did I feel the telltale signs of an oncoming psychopathic episode. Not even directed at other employees. Like I said, I'm still in total shock.

No wonder I was in such a good mood. See, I like when the world works.

God Damn Dog!

Today, the moment every parent dreads came along. I got a phone call to say my son was missing. Yes, my furry, annoying, four legged son Yoshie was not where I'd left him, safe and sound in the backyard. Well, as you can imagine, my heart stopped. Completely. Every terrible possibility imaginable screamed through my brain. I left work in a hurry, raced home, and devoted the rest of my afternoon to patrolling the streets, calling his name and whistling for him, getting more and more panicky as time went on without a sign of the little "angel".

By this stage, Mikey's beside himself, positive the worst has occurred. Then the bright idea of ringing the RSPCA was brought up. Long story short, they were able to confirm that he had been picked up, and was fine, and that I could go and collect him. For a small fee.

Yes. I had to post bail to bust my dog out of lockup. He needed me to fill out some forms (I guess I'm guaranteeing he wont become a repeat offender) pay an absolute FORTUNE, aaaaand had to sit and be lectured about the fact that Yoshie now had a Permanant Record. Let me repeat that. My dog has obtained a criminal record. He's a puppy with a past.

And I'm the hapless parent of a problem pooch. 

Thank god this story had a happy (albeit expensive) ending. Stupid bloody dog. <3 

Alas, poor Lynchy.

One of the most distressing parts of not having access to a blog this past month has undoubtedly been the fact that there have been some seriously MAJOR developments in my life, both positive AND negative, that I’d love to have been able to write about. Because lets face it. If I can’t talk about the most important things going on in my life here, then honestly, what’s the point?

Now, I’ve already spoken of the major positive change ( in the form of Jammin’ Ben, the new romance), so it would be remiss of me not to mention the negative. And the most negative of the negative things to happen to me recently would HAVE to be the loss of one of the coolest people on the face of the entire planet. Sarah.

Ok, I make her sound like she’s died. I should clarify- she’s vacationing for the next few months in Europe, which, you know, is fantastic for her, but I can be as selfish as I like on my own blog, and this is my chance to bitch about the fact that she’s gone. Except surprisingly, that’s not what I want to do. Because the only person that would be even remotely interested in that is me. So, what I thought would be more entertaining is, instead of moping about the fact that she’s gone, I could revisit some of the more awesome things that happened whilst she was here, demonstrating to everyone just how fucking awesome this girl is, and why you should feel sad she’s in Europe, as opposed to here, being ridiculously awesome some more. So, in no particular order, here are my absolute favourite Sarah memories, for your enjoyment. Well, my favourites that I can think of at this point in time. Which is to say, there are lots more, but these are the ones standing out right now. 

Cool Rider

I will never  forget the day Sarah and I realised we both loved Grease 2 more than the lackluster original. You know that feeling you get when you realise you’ve encountered a soul mate? Someone that is destined to be a part of your life from here to eternity? For us, this was it. When we confirmed that “Cool Rider” left “Summer Loving” for dead, or that “Who’s That Guy?” was far superior to “Grease Lightening”? Well, I hesitate to use the term “love at first sight”, but it was there that we realised our friendship was destined to be something special.

Truck FM

Ok, the whole weekend where we went to see “Wicked” in Melbourne deserves a mention as particularly awesome, but the highlight of that ENTIRE trip, to me at least (apart from, you know, the extremely expensive musical we were there to see) was on the drive down from Newcastle to Melbourne, where we discovered a fantastic little radio station called Truck FM to entertain us ridiculously for several hours at 3 in the morning. Not only did we discover said station, Sarah managed to get herself featured on air requesting Lady Gaga’s “Love Game”. There’s nothing quite like hearing one of your best friends featured on a radio station aimed primarily at forty year old truck drivers asking for a song about riding on someone’s Disco Stick at 4 am to remind you of how great life can be.

Separate Birthdays

Despite the fact that our birthdays are separated by less than a fortnight, we decided VERY early in our friendship that joint parties were COMPLETELY out of the question. Mainly because we were both FAR too selfish to share. Which I think made us slightly closer to be honest...

Mardi Gras 2009

I blame this memory on Sarah, but really, it was her Grandmother telling me I looked 15 that made this a fantastic recollection. God bless the sweet lady. Clearly, a nicer side of the family than Sarah took after.

Ok, there are lots of memories bottled up in here, telling me how amazing this woman is, but you know what? I don’t really feel the need to unleash them all right now. Take my word for it- she’s fabulous. Utterly, utterly fabulous. And already missed. But not in a bad way- only in a way that makes me realise how ridiculously awesome it’s going to be when she comes back to the country. 

Sarah, if you read this, you are one of my favourite people ever. I love you, and miss you, and hope you’re having a fantastic time. In your absence, I dedicate this song to you. Think of me when you hear it...

A new nemesis

In a very exciting turn for the books, the other night, I discovered a brand new Arch Nemesis. This is a good thing, because it's a position which has gone too long vacant, quite frankly. I'm not sure of her name, but for convenience sake, I shall refer to her only by her Super Villain name: "Treble Clef", which sounds quite cool and threatening in a Super Villain kind of way. 

It begun on Friday night, innocently enough, when we all gathered at a pub to celebrate Simon's 21st birthday, when disaster struck. Here I was, minding my own business, as I do, enjoying the frivolity and merriment, when Treble Clef struck. She came to collect empty glasses and bottles, then announced "I'm going to need to check everyones I.D, thanks."

So far, no problem. Until she made good on her promise of checking everyone's Identification. Everyone, that is, except for mine. Apparantly, in a group of 35 people (and yes, that number increases every time I relay this story), I'm the ONLY ONE that doesn't warrant being asked for proof of age. What. The. Frak?

Clearly, as this CANNOT be the case (I refuse to accept it as fact, quite frankly), I was the victim of a personal, hate filled attack, thus sparking a rivalry between myself and this woman, the likes of which is set to rival the best rivalries in history- Lex Luthor and Superman, Batman and the Joker. Mikey and Treble Clef. Actually, maybe I need a slightly cooler alter ego, because at the moment her name sounds better than mine. Nevertheless, despite what SHE would have you believe, I'm fairly certain I looked rather nice the other night, despite all the evidence to the contrary, thank you very much.

Don't worry though- I gave her the glaring of a lifetime for the rest of the evening. Fairly certain that means I won. 

 

Maybe Justin Long will like me now!

Not that winning Justin Longs affections is one of my long term life goals, but still, doesn’t hurt to make an effort occasionally, and so, knowing that he likes to spruik Apple Computers from time to time, I accidentally bought one. I say accidentally, but from memory, I didn’t actually take THAT MUCH convincing. 

It was my day off, and looking for something exciting to do, I decided to go to the computer store, for the simple reason that I wanted to PRICE an Apple MacBook. That’s all. Well, within about twenty minutes, I was being spoken to by a very convincing salesman, who was doing a fantastic job of telling me that, basically, my life was merely a life half lived, with me being nothing more than some pathetic husk of a person, never truly experienceing all the joy life has to offer, until I’m experiencing said lifejoy on an Apple Computer. Like I said, very convincing. And you know how I hate being a husk, so naturally, my ears pricked up. When they then started singing the benefits of an interest free, no repayments thingamy, my curiosity was piked. When I decided to apply, for shits and giggles, fully expecting a knockback, I was amazed to actually get approved for an OBSCENE amount of money. Which I promptly spent on the aforementioned laptop, as well as all the completely one hundred percent necessary attachments and accessories. I DID think $200 was a little excessive for a surge protector (especially when within a week, said surge protector BURST INTO FLAMES), and the $60 I spent on something called iClean may not have been exactly sensible, but all in all, I’m thrilled to bits- my computer is so pretty! Even if I don’t have a fucking clue how to do anything on it at all...

Actually getting the computer, after I’d paid them all my money, turned out to be a bit of a nightmare (three trips back due to having been given the wrong computer each time, going back to pick up a program I’d been promised, having to return burnt husk of a surge protector, etc) but that’s nothing a crankily worded email to the company wont fix. For now, let’s all bask in the prettiness.

*bask*

Well you’ll still need a tray.

Included wholly and solely to make you all giggle, I present Eddie Izzard’s take on the Death Star Canteen. Honestly, I can’t get enough of this man- he’s hilarious! And by god he can pull off a pair of heels and a sequined gown in a way that makes most of the women I know jealous!

“This is not a game of who-the-fuck-are-you!”

Enjoy:

Remember my name! FAME!

I wanna live forever! I wanna learn how to fly! As I’m sitting here, typing away, the fantastic song “Fame” by Irene Cara just came on my iPod, and it reminded me of the fact they’re remaking it, to be released soon. As all good children of the 80s, I love this song in an unhealthy way, and can’t get enough of the movie, so naturally, I was hesitant about the prospect of a remake. Because lets face it. They generally suck. Hesitant, that is, until I saw the trailer. Watch this: INSERT TRAILER HERE.

Ho. Lee. Shit.

How awesome does that look! I’m so excited I may have just urinated a little bit. Not only do we have Megan Mullally (and lets be honest, we all love her) and Kelsey Grammar (again- love him) but is that not THE most amazing update of the Fame song you could possibly imagine? Talk about sexed up! It’s so hot! And yes, the film will probably be one of the most cliche ridden, predictable pieces of tripe this side of Hannah Montanna, but I honestly don’t care- it looks like it’s going to be a fantastic amount of fun- and thats all I really want in a musical based on the New York School of Performing Arts. Bring it on, bitches!

More religious questions

I know poking fun at religion is a monotonous and juvenile way to spend your time, but nevertheless, I have another question about a Bible Story that bugs me a little bit. I know the last time I bought this up, my major concern was the lack of Dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark, which I still stand by as a little odd, but the more I think about it, the more I realise, the lack of the Jurassic Park Back Catalogue is the least of my issues with the Noah’s Ark story. My issue today is, if we take it literally to mean two of every species of animals on earth, well...  that’s a lot of fucking animals, isn’t it? Like, A LOT. Off the top of my head, I could probably think of at least 100 different types of animals, and thats a conservative effort on my behalf. If we were actually being scientific about this, I’m sure there would be, well... hundreds of thousands, if not millions. And then go and double that number, because Noah wants to take a male and a female! 

I just can’t wrap my brain around the sheer logistics of this- Noahs Floating Zoo, as it were. Again, I’m more than happy to accept the explanation of “let’s not take the whole thing quite so religiously” (if you’ll excuse the pun), but if thats the case, I want to hear from someeone important, (I’m thinking the pope) exactly which parts of the Bible I’m supposed to treat as, well...gospel. Or, do we, in fact, assume that Noah had two Mountain Gorillas, two kangaroos, two Kiwi Birds, two Water Bison, two Fairy Penguins (or are they “little penguins” now? I can never remember if they changed that), two Emperor Penguins, two Bengal Tigers, two Killer Cobras...  You see where I’m going with this? It just seems a little farfetched. And I’m all for farfetched stories, but not when they form the basis of a doctrine that seemingly sensible people have no trouble putting all their faith in without question.

Looking at things from poor Noah’s perspective for a second, and assigning the story a good deal more truth than I think it deserves, can you just imagine how he must have felt, when God got in touch with him (via mobile phone, I assume). 

God: So, uh, hey Noah, it’s me, God. I’m making a flood. Going to cover the ENTIRE PLANET, kill everyone and everything, it’s going to be GREAT! But don’t worry- you and your family will be fine!

Noah: Oh thank fuck for that!

God: Yeah, you just have to build a boat. A really BIG boat.

Noah: Uh huh. I can manage that. Big enough for the wife and kids, you mean?

God: Well, yeah, them too. I was more thinking big enough for two of every species of animals on the face of the planet.

Noah: Um...what?

God: Yeah, I want you to save two of every type of animal, so that when the flood water recedes, the earth can be repopulated.

Noah: Isn’t this going to involve incest in some way??

God: ENOUGH QUESTIONS!!!!!!! 

*hangs up*

And flooding the entire planet seems like an extreme way of dealing with your own fuckup, too. God seems a bit of a fan of overkill. Very theatrical, isn’t he. Old Testament God gets so pissy over things.  

After contemplating my whole problem with this for a while, I think I may have come up with an acceptable, if slightly fanwanky solution. Clearly, Noah’s Ark was, in point of fact, a TARDIS. Which makes Noah The Doctor. Seriously, it’s the only logical explanation, because it manages to justify how the hell all those animals fit into the one vessel, AND how Noah was clever enough to suck up to God enough to be spared the coming disaster. Now I want to go through the entire bible and fanwank an explanation to all the things I don’t understand. 

MUST READ!!!!

Again with me giving you your reading orders, but honestly, have I steered you wrong so far? I’m not sure if you recall, but several months ago, I wrote about a book called Incendiary by Chris Cleave, singing its praises and worshipping him as an author? I’ve finally gotten around to reading his second novel, The Other Hand, and all I can say is... Whoa. Actually, I can say a lot more that that, and I’m about to.

The marketing of this book is absolutely phenomenal, in that the blurb deliberately reveals NOTHING about it whatsoever, instead claiming that the beauty of this novel is in discovering it for yourself. It also implores you, when talking of this book to friends, that you don’t tell THEM what happens either. Now, call me a cynic, but upon reading something like that, my first response is always skepticism, thinking they’re using an interesting hook to spruik a not very interesting book. But, intrigued, I tried i anyway. And thank god I did- this book was amazing. Utterly amazing. Realistic, morally ambiguous characters, heartbreaking, inevitable situations, humour, hope, despair, everything. It’s a wonderful, wonderful book. I think it’s safe to say I’m onboard with ANYTHING Chris CLeave writes from here on in. The man is amazing. 

At the bookshop I work at, we can borrow any book we want to read, so long as it comes back in perfect condition. I finished reading The Other Hand, jumped in the car, drove straight to work and paid for it. It’s just that good. 

Enter stage left: love interest.

In a development that I think shocked everyone (although honestly, nobody moreso than me) Mikey has a new romantic lead! I know- how unexpected was THAT! His name is Benjamin, he’s a musician, and he’s utterly FABULOUS (as I suppose he would have to be- I can’t be dating just any old trash now, can I?)

We met a few weeks ago, when I was working the spotlight for “Dragalicious”, a Drag Show a couple of my friends were responsible for, and obviously, he was instantly taken by my awesomeness (shut up- it’s my blog, I’ll tell it as I see it) and here we are. Actually, our “how we met” story is pretty fantastic, even without my bullshit embellishments, so I’ll present the full story for your enjoyment.

The first aspect of it that tickled me immensely was that, if you’ll recall, recently I got in touch with my inner Elphaba and cast myself a love spell, as part of my ongoing commitment to “No Week Will Be Wasted 2009” . Which, at the time, we all assumed was a complete nonsense. Until you realise that the very same day I cast that particular spell was the day I first met Benjamin at G, the local homosexual hangout. So, you know, totally a wizard now. But that still left us with the sordid “we met in a bar” story that I despise so much. Honestly, it just sounds so trashy. And not in the fun, Dolly Parton sense of the word. After expressing my concerns to Benjamin, he seemed to think I was completely insane, which, lets face it, genuine concern, but anyway, we left it at that and went on with life. 

The next day, I was at work, looking suitably busy, when I look up and see him, browsing books. Now, pay attention, because this is the really swoony part- he walked up to me, said “Hi, I saw you and thought you might like this” and handed me a napkin from the coffee shop upstairs with his number scribbled on it with the words “call me”. He rewrote history for me so that we’d have a better story of how we met! And with that one ridiculously romantic gesture, Mikey melted. I tell ya, the boy knows how to woo. I think we’ve found a keeper.

Where am I? Who are you? What happened to my pants?

Mission: Maintain blog with awe-inspiring regularity

Status: Failed. Rather epically, I might add. 

Ok, not to bore everyone with my usual tales of woe excusing my bloggy tardiness, but at the moment, I am completely and utterly bereft of internets, so, you know, it DOES make keeping an online journal a tad difficult when deprived of the major ingredient (ie, the ONLINE portion) Which is a shame, because a LOT has happened since we last spoke. SucH AS: farewell to the aqua house. Farewell to Lynchy. Welcome on board to the new love interest. NWWBW has been progressing nicely. Fabulous books have been read. Delightful celebrities have been viewed. All in all, the term “winning at life” comes to mind. Stay tuned for the full details. 

Mass Update: ACTIVATE!!!

Not sure if I even HAVE any readers anymore, but on the minor assumption that I do, have I got news for you!!! It's a mass update! Weeee! Without dwelling too much on the details, I've been away from regular net access for a few weeks now, and it has been absolutely killing me, but, in a desperate attempt to keep the blog alive, I've still been writing my updates, knowing that one magical day, I'd be back, to flood you all with a torrent of updates to sustain you for the future. And this is that day. So, sit back, take some prescription medication, poor a couple of wines, and enjoy! And welcome back- I've missed you!