I know poking fun at religion is a monotonous and juvenile way to spend your time, but nevertheless, I have another question about a Bible Story that bugs me a little bit. I know the last time I bought this up, my major concern was the lack of Dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark, which I still stand by as a little odd, but the more I think about it, the more I realise, the lack of the Jurassic Park Back Catalogue is the least of my issues with the Noah’s Ark story. My issue today is, if we take it literally to mean two of every species of animals on earth, well... that’s a lot of fucking animals, isn’t it? Like, A LOT. Off the top of my head, I could probably think of at least 100 different types of animals, and thats a conservative effort on my behalf. If we were actually being scientific about this, I’m sure there would be, well... hundreds of thousands, if not millions. And then go and double that number, because Noah wants to take a male and a female!
I just can’t wrap my brain around the sheer logistics of this- Noahs Floating Zoo, as it were. Again, I’m more than happy to accept the explanation of “let’s not take the whole thing quite so religiously” (if you’ll excuse the pun), but if thats the case, I want to hear from someeone important, (I’m thinking the pope) exactly which parts of the Bible I’m supposed to treat as, well...gospel. Or, do we, in fact, assume that Noah had two Mountain Gorillas, two kangaroos, two Kiwi Birds, two Water Bison, two Fairy Penguins (or are they “little penguins” now? I can never remember if they changed that), two Emperor Penguins, two Bengal Tigers, two Killer Cobras... You see where I’m going with this? It just seems a little farfetched. And I’m all for farfetched stories, but not when they form the basis of a doctrine that seemingly sensible people have no trouble putting all their faith in without question.
Looking at things from poor Noah’s perspective for a second, and assigning the story a good deal more truth than I think it deserves, can you just imagine how he must have felt, when God got in touch with him (via mobile phone, I assume).
God: So, uh, hey Noah, it’s me, God. I’m making a flood. Going to cover the ENTIRE PLANET, kill everyone and everything, it’s going to be GREAT! But don’t worry- you and your family will be fine!
Noah: Oh thank fuck for that!
God: Yeah, you just have to build a boat. A really BIG boat.
Noah: Uh huh. I can manage that. Big enough for the wife and kids, you mean?
God: Well, yeah, them too. I was more thinking big enough for two of every species of animals on the face of the planet.
Noah: Um...what?
God: Yeah, I want you to save two of every type of animal, so that when the flood water recedes, the earth can be repopulated.
Noah: Isn’t this going to involve incest in some way??
God: ENOUGH QUESTIONS!!!!!!!
*hangs up*
And flooding the entire planet seems like an extreme way of dealing with your own fuckup, too. God seems a bit of a fan of overkill. Very theatrical, isn’t he. Old Testament God gets so pissy over things.
After contemplating my whole problem with this for a while, I think I may have come up with an acceptable, if slightly fanwanky solution. Clearly, Noah’s Ark was, in point of fact, a TARDIS. Which makes Noah The Doctor. Seriously, it’s the only logical explanation, because it manages to justify how the hell all those animals fit into the one vessel, AND how Noah was clever enough to suck up to God enough to be spared the coming disaster. Now I want to go through the entire bible and fanwank an explanation to all the things I don’t understand.
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