Twilight fans have gone TOO FAR!

I know I tend to harp on about Twilight a fair bit on here, and it may start to sound like I'm harbouring a bit of a vendetta, but believe me when I say, I have NOTHING against the books. Sure, they're a fairly forgettable piece of quasi-vampire romance tripe, but whatever floats your boat. I don't judge. Truth be told, I'm insanely jealous of Stephanie Meyers ability to half-ass her way through a cliche, refer to her protagonists as Vampires whilst adhering to NONE of the established conventions of Vampire lore, and STILL make more money last year than New Zealand. Because that takes something special. Not talent, obviously, but something.

No, like I've said here before, my Twilight apathy comes almost entirely from the socially stunted, cringe inducing, Edward adoring Twi-Hards. And my hatred of them has gone all the way up to eleven. I thought it was bad when I discovered Edward and Bella Action Figures were in existence, but you know what I realise? I kind of long for the days when the worst thing I'd seen was a broody, emo vampire toy. Because today, the internet exposed me to these.

Twilight Shower Curtain

It's convenient, I suppose, that this lives in the shower. Because scrubbing myself clean is the first thing I thought of when I saw it. Seriously, is this not one of the most sickening things you've ever seen? It's a giant, brooding, disembodied head watching you stand around in the nude! It's like a perverted version of Mulligrubs (am I the only person that gets that reference?) WTF? But, hang on. This is only the tip of the sparkly iceberg. Because shortly after I washed the taste of vomit out of my mouth, I stumbled across this little gem.

Twilight Wall Decal

You know. For the people that REALLY need to feel like someone is watching them sleep. Now, the more I think about this, the more I'm forced to accept that if it was Batman, or Indiana Jones or someone, I'd totally want it, but still. They're hardly in the same category as a weirdass Vampire twat that hangs around your bedroom while you sleep. And just when you think we've found the stupidest piece of film memorabilia of all time, the internet delivers us this. And I apologise in advance for offending anyones sensibilities...

Twilight Dildo

There really isn't much I can say about this. It's exactly what it looks like. A replica of Edward Cullens dong. An alabaster white dildo that sparkles. Well. I never. I mean, are there words to convey all I wish to convey here? Is your mind exploding quite as severely as mine did? I just... What the fucking fuck? Why does this exist? Who feels the need to be rogered by a fictional character SO badly that they'll buy a sex toy covered in sparkliness? Want to hear something that makes this even better? The description on the website reads, AND I QUOTE: Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience. What the effing crap? So now, not only are you debasing yourself with a plastic sparkly Vampiric cocktoy, IT'S FREEZING FUCKING COLD! Just like Edward... What. The. Fuck.

I honestly have no more words. This thing has completely shattered my faith in humanity as a species. And it's ability to survive beyond the next fifteen years. My only question is, how long until we start stocking these at work???